28 August 2007

We're the only sane people on the planet.

(This is an earlier...well, not exactly a RANT but that's my point. SHE says we're angry but we're not...we're right. And this is one of those things where you look around and you wonder just how the hell everyone else got so off track.)

Let me expound...not politically correct.
I've been thinking. There are some things that are just TOO obvious, and yet the world seems to keep turning. Will someone please PAY ATTENTION?

Fat people riding at the grocery store...I don't get this. If you are TOO DAMN FAT to walk through the grocery store, then your big ass has no business in there BUYING FOOD. Problem: You're fat. Cause: You eat too much and move too little. Solution: Quit riding in a damn cart to BUY MORE FOOD. Look down. If you don't see pubic hair when you sit on the toilet, you don't need to be cruising NO grocery store aisles. Call those diet people on TV. They'll send you food.
AND. If you ARE riding on one of those things because you have a physical problem other than your fork to your mouth, please be polite. Being sick doesn't justify being rude. I'm sorry there's something wrong with you but GET THE HELL OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE. It doesn't matter what's wrong with you...you're still only entitled to one half of the thoroughfare. Make it the other half...TRAFFIC TO THE RIGHT. Works on Hwy 72 and works at WalMart.

Driving...Half the people on this planet...no, wait. Make that MOST of the people on this planet, or at least, most of the people crossing Shoals Creek, don't seem to have a CLUE about speed limits. God said: "Do about five miles over or under the speed limit and thou shalt live longer." In case you don't know what the speed limit IS, there are these numbers written on signs on the side of the road. These numbers are really good reference points. When in doubt...LOOK AT THE NUMBER. Five miles. Up or down. You're in. Doesn't matter if you AGREE with the numbers or not...that trooper's not interested in your opinion.
And just for emphasis? It's a lot easier to read said numbers IF YOU'RE IN THE RIGHT LANE. As opposed to being in the LEFT lane. With no clue about the numbers.
And speaking of the trooper. If you're cruising along through the orange cones, doing withing five miles of the speed limit and you see a cop.........YOU DON'T HAVE TO SLAM ON YOUR BRAKES. The cops don't "like" you better if you're doing 20 miles below the speed limit. And you're REALLY pissing me off.

Ordering at McDonalds...Okay, this just gripes my ass. Fast food is...fast. For a reason. Those places have approximately FOUR ingredients inside that building. Precooked ingredients...that cow's been dead for two years. Four ingredients, sitting in vacumn-sealed pouches waiting to be converted into an exponential number of dishes. DON'T PULL UP TO THE WINDOW AND ASK ABOUT THE FUCKING FOOD. Don't "discuss" the cuisine at Taco Bell. Kentucky Fried doesn't KNOW about the spices. It's in bags. It's done. Piss them off and they will spit in your food. I promise.

White jeans...I know that there are a lot of women who spend a lot of time in the gym. And then go out and buy white jeans because they think they look good in them and the husband TELLS them they look good in them. HE JUST WANTS TO GET LAID. Trust me...we had this discussion at tennis one day, as we sat in a soccer mom's van drinking margaritas in our elastic-waist pants. I know ONE female who looks good in white jeans. It's a genetic thing. If you are anything more than a size two, and your waist is not eight inches smaller than your hips...you ain't got no business in white jeans. You look like a walking advertisement for White Lily.

"Best" of the Shoals...Just who do they think they are kidding? Reckon anyone ever gets mentioned in this stuff if they don't advertise with the local newspaper? If you want to be realistic, let's talk about what's REALLY going on in this town.
Worst service...Hands down, the Pizza Hut on Florence Blvd. What the hell's the MATTER with those people? Bring me a beer and I'll sit there and eat all day. The waiters at Pizza Hut show up at your table every postal holiday. How can you justify one beer every 15 minutes? Didn't you go to beer-serving school? Without beer, how am I going to get across Shoals Creek?
Worst intersection...How in the world are you EVER supposed to get through Helton and Rickwood Drive? Can't turn left, can't go straight and can't turn right. You can pull up to that light and sit through it four times before anyone ever pulls into the intersection. Must be a direct route from Shoals Creek.
Worst newspaper...Helllllooooo? Anyone there? The powers-that-be claim they are not a "social paper". So rather then talk about what's going on in the area and GOD FORBID, mention any names unless they donated a golf course, let's report on TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS IN KNOXVILLE! I need to know this shit. Same people might be headed to Shoals Creek.

I had a bunch of other stuff but now I feel better so I'll hush.

1 comment:

Country Girl said...

No, Don, the MARGARITAS were not wearing elastic waist pants. Forgot to watch my back there.