10 September 2007

Dude Looks Like a First Lady

Warning: Lengthy post. If you need to refresh your bourbon, visit the little cowgirl’s room or change your IV, do it now.

I was sitting in traffic this morning and what to my wondering eyes should appear? The first “Fred 08” sticker of this already ancient election cycle.

Seeing the sticker reminded me of the youthful bride of old Scowly McJowls Thompson. No matter how much Red State stylists try to frump-ify her she will never fit the First Lady mold… But, really, is that a bad thing? Hell, several contending First Ladies could liven up the tomb on Pennsylvania Avenue, and I believe that would lend a tremendous boost to the national psyche. So let’s take a closer look, shall we?

First off let’s eliminate Barbara Richardson, Whitney Gravel, Jackie Dodd, Jill Biden, Janet Huckabee, Jackie Tancredo, Carol Paul, Lynn Hunter and Mary Brownback (bless their hearts). Not only do their husbands not stand a snowball’s chance in hell of winning their respective primaries, these women make Barbara and Laura Bush look like Cosmo Girls. Ugh. Puh-leeze. Enough fading into the background! Enough beige-suit-with-pearls! Enough hushed tones! La Casa Blanca is ready for a shake-up, sisters, but you aren’t shakin’ or bakin’. So go on back to your knitting. There’s a good girl.

Elizabeth Kucinich: This vegan, Wicca Amazon is a throwback straight to Haight Ashbury. Imagine a White House full of clove cigarette smoke, Patchouli and hemp curtains. Women across the country could, in the fashion of the First Lady, stop shaving and wearing makeup. Imagine the time we’d save!

Michelle Obama: If you hated Hillary and/or Nancy, just wait until Michelle. This sassy woman tells it like it is and takes shit from no one. She is smart, opinionated and likes the limelight. Major drawback: the fur coats. Seriously, honey, your husband is a Democrat. Lose the stolen pelts.

Judi Sticia Giuliani: Already losing friends and alienating people on the campaign trail she is Teresa Heinz-Kerry on steroids. The up-side? Look at all those vowels! Between her original maiden name and Giuliani we would no longer be a consonant-encumbered nation! Ethnicity at long last! Maybe Giuliani should change his campaign tag line to “Hold the Mayo!”

Cindy McCain: Of the Betty Ford school of First Ladies. Nothing particularly interesting about her except for the fact that she was once busted for painkillers. Can you say “Kitty Dukakis?” Could be highly amusing when, stoned on Oxy, she tries to make out with PM Gordon Brown. Ewww.

Elizabeth Edwards: Nothing snarky. Cancer and dead children trump snark. Plus she’s pretty damn sassy. Called Ann “I, Lucifer” Coulter and chewed her boney ass on live television. Gotta love that.

Ann Romney: She named – or at least calls – her child Tagg, which automatically disqualifies her. EERGH! Next contestant.

This brings us to the two most interesting options to fill the soon-to-be-vacated First Lady post:

Bill “My Wife Had Me Chemically Castrated” Clinton and Jeri “I Dot the ‘i’ with a Heart” Thompson.

Jeri: Where to begin? Imagine the Lincoln Bedroom redecorated with Disney bedding and Bratz posters. Who will she name as her Chief of Staff? Polly Pockets? I think a cute (okay, hot) young First Lady would be refreshing – for about 90 days. Until she decided to demonstrate how truly intelligent and engaged she is by making African Poverty her FL platform and tromping off to Sudan with Brad and Angelina. Oh, wait, it's supposed to be a domestic issue? Where does Bono stand on abstinence-only education? Doesn’t he, like, practice tantric yoga? No? That’s Sting? Oh, never mind….

I’m sorry, but strictly First-Lady-speaking, I gotta pull for Bill. Too bad that order comes with a side of Hillary. Think back to Nancy Reagan and Raisa Gorbachev circa 1985 (if you were not yet born in 1985, get off our blog – NOW). Chilly relationship, right? Now Photoshop Nancy out of the mental picture and replace her with Bill. Doing Stoli shots with Raisa while the spouses take care of all that nuclear business. Talk about dis-arming! (ar-ar-ar)

1 comment:

Comet Girl said...

Truly enlightening! I have learned more from this blog than all the talking heads on TV and radio put together. Thanks! Dis-arming! I love it!