24 September 2007

Union Boss Blues

I’m starting a Union.
For stupid, freaking Labor Union members.

It’ll be brilliant. I’ll get into bed with and provide kickbacks to the AFL-CIO and under the power of their persuasion you won’t have any choice but to join my new Über Union.

I’ll have dues automatically deducted from your paycheck and deposited into my account in the Caymans and do everything in my power to protect my own position and justify my existence. Even though you don’t need me and haven’t needed ANY Union since 19-freaking 38 when the Fair Standards Labor Act was passed (child labor when out in 1916, so they can stop milking that dead-and-buried-and-reincarnated-fifty-seven-times cow already).

When it comes time to negotiate with anyone who gives you shit I promise to indignantly push away from the bargaining table and refuse to compromise on behalf of my members. Then we’ll all strike. But there won’t be any strike pay. It’s in the membership agreement. Instead I’ll mail you manufacturers coupons. [heh-heh: Ron White, “COOP-ins”]

What inspired me to Über Union greatness? Why, the UAW, of course, who walked out today over a failure by GM to (among other things unheard of in the real world) GUARANTEE JOB SECURITY. The Detroit Three are barely hanging on by their hinges, TRYING to get the Unions to let up so they can be competitive in the world market and keep their doors open so these people HAVE jobs to go to, so what does the Union do? STRIKE! “I want job security, so I’m going to walk out on my job.” WHAT THE HELL KIND OF LOGIC IS THAT? :: insert Lewis Black twitch here :: In what parallel Socialist universe do these people live? Holy Mother of God I cannot image the leap of faith and criminal neglect of logic required to reside there.

Maybe I shouldn’t start an Über Union. I don’t have that much faith and am cursed with an over-active logic gland. Besides, I don’t think I could pull off the requisite Union Boss look: Pauley Walnuts whitewalls and a pinky ring. :: sigh ::

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