...in your heart and soul at my shiny new NON-LEAKING toilet. And then watch the obits because I'm going to KILL that stupid fucker I'm married to. I tried today, but he ducked and the pipe wrench hit the edge of the frame on my gold mirror and oh...DON'T YOU JUST THINK YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT, LOGICAL BOY?
Our downstairs toilet has always had issues. Leaking from the tank issues. And I'd fix it and it would be fixed for a couple of months and then...drip. Drip. Drip. From the tank. Again. I replaced parts and tightened washers and loosened washers and reset tanks and FINALLY, enough is enough. So Friday I lost my senses, took out the old toilet and hauled it off. That night The Not Nice Child and I headed off to Lowe's, to buy a new toilet. (And pick up some bourbon because SOMEHOW, there wasn't any, and I may not be a genius but even I know me well enough to know taking out a toilet requires alchohol.)
We got to the plumbing aisle, located the toilets (did you know some of those babies cost over $400? AT LOWE'S?) and looked around for help. None to be found. After a little bit, we wandered over to cabinetry and asked the guy there to page us a helper. He did. No one came. He watched us standing there, paged again, and no one came. Finally, he came over, explained which one was what I was describing, and left. We went up front to get a flat buggy-thing, and there weren't any. We went outside (it's cold here) and there weren't any there, either. We hiked the three miles back across the front of the store because when we went OUT, we went out the Exit and BY GEORGE, Lowe's ain't gonna let you in the out. Went to Customer Service (oh, the irony) and asked about a flat-bed buggy and the nice little girl told me, "Oh, they're up and down the aisles."
Well. That helps. So we wandered up and down the aisles and found a blue cart. Took out three old ladies and an errant electrician maneuvering that baby back to plumbing and then stood there and...looked. That toilet looked HEAVY. At this point, some kid who didn't even work there happened by, and he loaded it for me. Took it up front, paid for it, she called a loader, we wheeled our package out front and...waited. This is Alabama and the temperature was in the teens and we...stood there. Went back in, the clerk re-paged a loader and we went back out and...waited. The third time we went back in, a guy working check-out said he'd do it. Shut down his register and put the toilet in our trunk and we were HAPPY.
When we got home, our excitement knew no bounds so we cut open the box to bring the Shiny New Toilet in, in sections.
And I will be damned all to hell and back if the entire base wasn't shattered into a million pieces. (Which sort of EXPLAINS why the box had been retaped, as opposed to the original factory seal.) Ain't THAT just a pisser. But there was bourbon so it all worked out in the end.
Saturday morning, there I was. And there THEY were! The helpers! Everywhere! Plumbers and loaders and Customer Servicers and door openers and check-out people and Oh! Joy! I got a new toilet. The Money Tree Debacle didn't let me put it in yesterday but that's okay. I'll do it today.
It's never as easy as they say it is, and I don't have bolt cutters to shorten the too-long mounting bolts, and I haven't figured out what to do about the gawd-awful whacked up flooring around the base, BUT THAT'S OKAY. Look at that baby shine. You oughta hear it flush. And there's not a drip in sight.
Oh, and the humor possibilities for a 12-year-old and seven-year-old, involving a hole in the floor, toilets, septic systems and peeing, are BOUNDLESS!