Actual conversation at Panera today:
Me: “I’d like the Half-and-Half with French Onion Soup and the Smoked Ham and Cheese.”
“What kind of bread do you want on the side? White, wheat or sourdough?”
“What do you mean bread on the side? …I’m getting a sandwich, right?”
“You get more bread - on the side. What kind do you want?”
“Why do I get bread on the side? Never mind. No extra bread, thanks.”
“Do you want an apple?”
“An apple……turnover?” (Legitimate confusion)
“No. A. Real. Apple.”
“No. No apple, thanks.”
“You don’t want an apple?”
“No, really, thanks." (I’m standing in front of an enormous bakery case. I don’t want fruit unless it's wrapped in pastry.) "But I’ll take a cinnamon roll for breakfast tomorrow...”
So yesterday at lunch our waiter was obnoxious. He thought he was funny. One of those. HAD to say something he thought was cute every time he walked by.
Also ordered yesterday was the now infamous Half-and-Half. A bowl of greasy, nasty vegetable soup and half a ham and cheese sandwich. I didn’t eat the soup.
The waiter asked why. I told him I just didn’t want it.
He persisted. Didn’t I LIKE the soup?
No. I do not like the soup. (There. I said it. Are you happy now?)
Do you want different soup? No, thanks.
I can get you different soup.
But your friend liked the white bean soup. Do you want white bean soup?
No. It's okay. We’ve paid the bill and are putting on our coats. For the love of Campbell's, no more soup.
Apparently, even though I was very nice about it - and left him a 20% tip - this made me a bad person and the object of a bit of mockery. Fine. Whatever. The waiter annoyed the shit out of me and I didn’t like the soup. So look at the bad lady! Go on. Have a gooooood look. Ooooo!!!! She’s a bitch. Wouldn’t want to be married to HER.
The only thing left to do is embrace the reality that I am high maintenance when it comes to food and drink and the service thereof. Just call me Sally Albright.
But it's really very simple. All I want is the following:
What I want.
When I want it.
The way I asked for it.
Hold the apple.