07 February 2008

Just so you know...

(This post is just to take up space while we wait on City Girl's take on Super Tuesday. It is, however, a meaningful post.)

This may come without warning. And there are more of me.

A couple of years ago I invited a man out of his car. Technically all I did was shake his hand, after I jerked open the door to his van. I shook his hand vigorously, and then he was out on the pavement and his glasses were on the ground. Let’s just say he was riding my bumper and at that moment in time, that wasn’t the smart thing to be doing. I shook his hand. I introduced myself. Then I got back in my car and drove off.

However. I think it might be time to refresh some people’s knowledge of driving etiquette and 51-year-old women who ain’t got NO time for your shit. And who sort of feel a jerkin’ coming on.

*If you are at WalMart, and some woman with six kids is unloading her groceries and getting in her van…look behind you before you sit there for 20 minutes waiting on her parking space. ESPECIALLY look behind you if there are half a dozen vacant parking spaces adjoining that woman’s parking space and you’re just waiting to save…that extra eight feet of walking distance. Because if there are four cars lined up behind you, and another four cars trying to back out of their parking spaces but CAN’T because your lazy, fat ass is sitting there trying to save yourself eight feet of walking distance…some fool woman is liable to jerk you out of your car. And she'll probably jerk you a lot further than eight feet.

*I don’t understand how all these people end up in the left lane, when that seems to be the number one driving complaint. But now it seems this certain indiscretion has evolved. If you are driving along in the left lane, pissing people off, and somehow someone gets past that person you’ve been dogging in the RIGHT lane, you better not speed your sorry ass up. You’re doing 55? I start to pass you, you better still be doing 55. That fool woman thing, again.

*If you’re driving a Kia? Just get off the road before you kill you and me both.

*Back in the day, we all learned to drive on straight shifts. Stick shifts. Out here in rural heaven, our kids still do because we need them to drive farm trucks by the time they’re eight. (Years old.) But if you didn’t learn on one? Or learned and have forgotten? Or have just learned and don’t know what the hell you’re doing? Get out of my way. I can shift from 0 to 50 and you’ll never know where the gear changes are. If you can’t do that? Go out in a field somewhere and practice. Just DON’T get in morning traffic with a red light every 13 feet, and come to a complete stop between every gear change. That fool woman is getting pissed.

*I have three kids. They are important. When you see the flashing lights in the school zone and it’s sometime around eight a.m. or three p.m.? Slow your ass down. Not “sort of” slow your ass down, but get within five miles of the speed limit. And if you enter the school zone slowly, check for law enforcement and then kick it in if he’s not there? That fool woman WILL call in your tag number. If she doesn’t jerk you out of your car first.

*And finally. You know what turn lanes are for? They’re to pull into when you’re turning. You know what that means? You don’t have to come to a complete stop on a six-lane highway before you turn. There’s a LANE for that! Damnedest thing I’ve ever seen.

3 comments:

City Girl said...

SING IT, SISTER!!!

Not only are there such thing as Turn Lanes, there are also these crazy little things called Acceleration Lanes.

Here in the land of Legal Rights on Red, we have lanes whose sole purpose is to allow drivers to merge gracefully into traffic without stopping. So do it!

GET A CLUE. HOW THE HELL DID YOU PASS YOUR DRIVING EXAM?

Country Girl said...

Oh!Oh!Oh! You're right...I forgot to point out that Y-I-E-L-D doesn't spell "stop." Silly me.

Tom said...

EVERYTHING you just said andAND the people that can't negotiate a turn without coming to a complete stop! Are they afraid that they might lose control and die turning onto that wide boulevard that doesn't have any traffic?!

The only problem I have with pulling someone out of a car is that being a guy, there is less issue with piling me up right there on the street. And I'm not very big. And I wouldn't like it. So I'll just get mad and call them names from the privacy of my car

Bastards.