02 October 2008

There's no blow job at the end of this story, either

It actually DID get worse.
I was on my way to the grocery store today when I realized that the car in front of me wasn't just going very slow...it was sort of "rolling." And then, it sort of "rolled" into the turn lane and then I watched as it started "rolling" into oncoming traffic.
This wasn't looking good.
When I pulled up next to it I could see a big head of hair, slumped down over the steering wheel, not moving at all. My parents are 78 and 73 and my dad is a diabetic and I took one look at that driver and freaked. Old person. Heart attack. Stroke. Jesus.
I pulled over to the side of the road, put on my flashers and got out of the car. Started across the road when a van came toward me and just as I'm about to rip the guy a new asshole he leans out the window and yells, "I'm going to the fire station (a few hundred feet up the road) for help!" And he speeds off.
I ran across the two lanes of traffic and when I got to the car, the driver is still head down on the steering wheel. A woman who had been in the oncoming traffic had pulled off on her side of the road and was at the driver's door, talking to 911 on her cellphone.
Y'all. I grabbed hold of the door handle and started trying to stop the car. Pulling really hard. I KNOW. I'm me and I'm 52 years old and I'm...TRYING TO STOP A CAR? It's rolling along and there my middle-aged ass is, rolling along beside it screaming "Turn it off! Turn it off!" The woman at the driver's door is talking on her phone. The car is heading toward a deep ditch, into oncoming traffic. This is NOT looking good.
In the distance, I hear the sirens approaching. And then the driver of the car raises up HIS head and...SON OF A BITCH. It's some drunk guy, 30 or 40 years old, mouth ajar and eyes glazed over. And oh, don't you know, he raised up from his chemically induced stupor and THOUGHT HE HAD DIED AND GONE TO HELL! Sitting there, minding his own business and there are WOMEN SCREAMING AT HIM through all the windows. Women he didn't even know, couldn't have been making a lick of sense to him, screaming totally ridiculous things like "Turn it off!"
He turned his head from one side to other, blinked a few times, and then as I'm backing my happy ass off, he steered the car back into the turn lane and headed off down the road. Passenger door standing wide open and flapping.
This is the point at which I realized...I HAVE THREE KIDS. And I am STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF FIVE LANES OF TRAFFIC risking MY life for some stupid drunk? I turned around and headed back to my car, shaking so bad I couldn't breathe and sat down on the bumper. Got in the car, started down the road and took the FIRST DAMN LEFT I could find. Police cars with flashing lights were coming from everywhere, heading in the direction of the errant car. I have no idea what happened...surely they caught him.
I was 20 minutes late to the one-legged cousin's house, but that was okay. And I came home and emailed the district attorney, a school parent, and told him what happened and what I did.
And oh, yeah. I mentioned that the BLACK CHRYSLER PLYMOUTH WITH THE 41 TAG HAD "439" AS THE LAST THREE NUMBERS ON THE LICENSE PLATE. Mess with me. Get me confused. Drag ME out into five lanes of traffic? I'm liable to go to my cousin's house and get that $80K leg he can't use and BEAT YOUR ASS with it.
The Nice Kid got out of the car this morning, shut the door, walked off and then turned around and came back. Opened the front passenger door and leaned in and said, "Mom, you don't need to save anyone today." And shut the door and walked off again.





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2 comments:

Comet Girl said...

The road to Hell is paved with WHAT?

Anonymous said...

Girl, you simply amaze me! I can honestly see you running after that car screaming. You did your good deed for at least a year! lumpywillingham