14 January 2009

And Then it Began to Rain

Marathon Kitchen Remodel
Project - Month 14

Back when I was younger, thinner and more patient The Hubster initiated - after seven years of barren but well-intentioned promises - a kitchen remodeling project.

The impetus for which was the fact that I, with my own two delicate hands, had torn down half the wall between the kitchen and dining room, painted three 2x3 samples of red paint on the remaining walls and began purchasing new appliances at an alarming rate...and needed somewhere to put them.

It was a God-awful mess, just as I intended. ::bwaah-haa-haaaa::

So last fall Hubster contracted with two "gentlemen" to do the work. I'm not going to revisit the end of that story. The fact that it still is not finished should tell you everything you need to know. The following spring came and went...nothing happened. Summer...nothing happened. Fall...nothing happened.

Until last month when Hub began planning Kick Ass Superbowl Party III and that's when I had to put my big honkin' foot down.

"There is no way in hell that group of friends - the same people who two parties ago voted on the dining room color from the wall swatches - are going to find that room in exactly the same state it was in last January. It's embarrassing. No, sir. No paint, no party."

I know what you're thinking: What a bitch. What a shrew. Paint it yourself!

Ahhhh... but I can't. You see, The Hubster is the most linear thinker you will ever vicariously-through-a-blog meet. An order of operation must be followed. Steps must be taken in sequence. Jumping ahead in the plan may result in physical injury.

Wall paint follows trim paint. Trim paint follows plaster touch-up, plaster follows moving the light fixture, light move connected to the shin bone....

So on Friday night when Hub announced he was replacing the back door - which appears nowhere on the Unalterable List of Steps to be Taken in the Pursuit of a Kitchen Modernization Project, Revision 2 - I checked his head for fever. Then I held up three fingers and asked him what day it was. He seemed to be okay, so what gives?

I still don't know what happened, but bless his heart, he went at that back door with such a vengeance...tore it down, ripped out the frame, removed the trim. Nothing but a big, gaping hole in the back of the house where an ancient, drafty entrance door once hung.

And then it began to rain.

It monsooned sideways. Into the opening. All over Hub, his tools, the kitchen floor....

Apparently this is what happens when you deviate from The Plan: You anger the gods of alignment and structure and they piss on you.

I am confident my Hubster won't let THAT won't happen again.

Connected to the knee bone...connected to the thigh bone...connected to the hip bone....

6 comments:

Country Girl said...

If you'll call some afternoon when he isn't there, you and I will paint it. Non-linearly.

Lumpy said...

Hey, I will help paint too (and I still think your "hubster" is perfect).

Le laquet said...

Just a little OCD is he? I bet he's a whizz washing paintbrushe too

Anonymous said...

I have one word to respond to your hilarious story: BLESS.
BLESS your kitchen and all it's remodeling adventures. BLESS your husband for trying to be a good guy and remodel the house. And more importantly BLESS YOU for not killing him during the process! I don't think I would have handled the situation with the same amount of love and grace. I think my response would be "Either you finish this kitchen or so help me God I may go bat shit crazy on you!!"

City Girl said...

Anonymous: I LOVE that you said "bat shit crazy." That's one of my favorite expressions!

And Hub is a super, SUPER good guy. I married WAY up.

Comet Girl said...

He is a super guy. I love, love, love him to pieces; but he is still a guy. Something about the remodel process causes a short circuit or something in their brains. I'm still living in a house where a room gets pegged for remodel, yea!, some work gets done, yea! And then he moves on to another project before the first, second, third (you see a pattern here?) gets finished. Almost every room in my house is half-assed complete. My bedroom, the first in the series still has putty in the holes on the trim that has yet to be painted and no threshold on the new floor he installed and the doors still need painting and...Ugh!