26 January 2009

Timely Tips from City Girl

During this time of global belt-tightening, I offer these tried-and-true money-saving tips:

Buzz Kill
Instead of spending money on wine, invest in a one-gallon can of Kilz paint primer. Open the can in a confined space and breathe deeply. The health benefits/effects are vastly different, but you’ll save a wheelbarrow full of money! Assuming you all drink as much as we do....

Get Retro With Your Bad Self!
Here in the South we love us some casseroles. Giant pans of (mostly) breading and canned soup are routinely passed off as “vegetables.” It boggles the mind. BUT, do you have ANY idea how long it takes two people to eat one pan of chicken and dressing? A week, that’s how long - or, as measured in culinary terms, ‘until you can’t stand to raise another damn fork of the stuff to your mouth.’ But it’s cheap and filling, and still beats the Ramen noodles you lived on in college.

Work off Those Casseroles!
Are home repair projects piling up as fast as dirty laundry? Is the Honey-Do list now literally as long as your arm? Stop waiting until you can afford professional repairmen and get busy! Thanks to the InterTubes you can find step-by-step directions and videos for repairing anything in your house. And your neighbors probably have all the tools you need to do the job – what is a neighbor for if not to mooch from? Listen, if *I* can replace a toilet tank assembly and change out a door knob, you can too. It ain’t rocket surgery.

Get in Touch with Reality Television
If, like me, you’ve avoided reality teevee like the plague, now is the time to catch up on popular culture. Reality shows are entertaining and TOTALLY make you feel good about yourself! (Who ARE these people and exactly how did they get so f*cked up?) It’s a two-fer! Boost your self esteem and save money on expensive movies at the same time. Hub and I have discovered “Tool Academy” on VH1 (basic cable) and it is freakin’ hys-terical!

Save Time – Have Sex
It’s a fact: a roll in the hay accomplishes everything listed above – except the casseroles. Provided you use bullet-proof contraception, it’s free entertainment. It is – when executed properly – aerobic activity, and you get a buzz from it – albeit short term...so an investment in Viagra may be called for. Which, assuming you haven’t lost your job and benefits, is covered by health insurance – brilliant!

2 comments:

Country Girl said...

I will never FORGET my friend, R, telling me that she went off Prozac because it killed her sex drive. And as her husband pointed out...IT'S FREE!

alejna said...

I'm glad you pointed out the importance of contraception for using sex as a money-saver. Because the little people, they aren't cheap.

Now I'm off to get some cans of paint primer and cream of mushroom soup. We've got company coming!