Dog farts...What the HELL did you get into? There's an entire bowl of perfectly good dog food in the kitchen. Whatever you ate that wasn't on your diet is coming out RANK, and I'm tired of running the fan so that my eyes don't water. Puh-leeze. (Although, doesn't every family need a scapegoat?)
Aging and eyebrows...This shouldn't be an issue...I need to be worrying about global warming and college tuition. I didn't even know I HAD eyebrows until I looked up one day and...there were sprouts. Above my eyeballs. Interfering with the straight line. And apparently (if personal experience is any indication) pulling them out just pisses them off and makes them come out at increasingly diverse angles. Who'd a thunk it?
Dust...I pulled up the carpet to get rid of the germ factory and it turns out? Concrete sheds. It sheds concrete dust and if you have a concrete slab and you haven't gotten around to staining it? Everything in your life will be covered with a fine white powder. IT'S ROCK, for pete's sake...how the hell can CONCRETE shed? This one's just not fair.
The absence of cops when you need them...If someone doesn't get me some law enforcement on the thoroughfare into town in the mornings, I'm going to Go Utility. The speed limit is FORTY-FIVE FUCKING MILES AN HOUR and I'm doing 50. Get off my ass.Citizens aa-ray-est! Citizens aa-ray-est!
The on-screen DirecTV guide...I was used to this. Movies were one color, sports were one color, stuff I didn't want to watch was another. We upgraded and...it all looks the same, it's smaller, and the remote shifts stuff in...slow motion. Or something. LEAVE MY SHIT ALONE. It takes me too long to get used to things and I am an end-cap sucker...make it bright and shiny and familiar and I'm yours for life!!! Don't go messin' with the merchandise!
That clip is 9-1/2 minutes long and you should watch it anyway. I have saved it into Favorite Places, to be watched one day a week for the rest of my life. Sometimes, you should laugh just because IT'S FUNNY!