29 April 2009

Washeteria

It is amazing how many times a day God does something to like...jerk a knot in my tail. Get my attention. Remind me to STOP WHINING and look around and realize what a great life this is.

Yesterday? He sent Stupid Crook Tricks to make my day...just made my day. The refrigerator is in. It's smaller than the other one but it's in and it fits and WE ARE HAVING COLD MILK FOR SUPPER TONIGHT. But I was on a TEAR about that refrigerator and then The Big Boy was mad because I just BOUGHT a refrigerator without consulting him first (hey asshole...YOU DON'T DRINK MILK) and everything was all pissy and then...and and then...and then God said, "Here. Stupid crook trick. Stop being mad and laugh a little."

I've laughed a LOT.

My grandparents used to have the general store in this little town. Then, about 35 years ago while I was in high school, my grandmother put in a washeteria. Which was fun for a while; she was older and got to socialize and it didn't take a lot of upkeep. Then they shut down the washeteria and moved the washers and dryers into the barn.

And they've been setting there ever since.

Now, this family bought them used so Lord only KNOWS how old they were. But they were piled up in the barn and every now and then my dad would mutter about "making fish cookers" out of the...something. Barrels? Drums? Drums! Apparently, somewhere in a washer or a dryer is a drum that you can make a fish cooker out of. I am not making this up. Rural ingenuity is an AMAZING thing.

Eventually, my little brother pointed out that...HEY DAD. You can BUY a GREAT fish cooker for $40. No welding...no fixing...no tricks. But the washers and dryers still sat there. Really tall and sinister looking with big fat windows staring at you in the dark everytime you were dumb enough to venture that far into the straw.

A couple of years ago, someone called and asked if they could carry off the w/d's for scrap metal and my dad went BALLISTIC. Lost it completely. Those were HIS washers and dryers and BY GEORGE they would be there until hell froze over. If he so pleased. And even though the rest of us were thinking, "How great would it be for someone to carry those things off?" we let it slide. Might be our job but not our machines. Hate it when that happens.

SOMEONE STOLE THE WASHERS AND DRYERS! As in, backed a huge-monstrous vehicle up to a barn on the side of Highway 72 in the dead of the night and carried off every single one of those washers and dryers. Every one. Every one. And while the rest of the family is secretly SO relieved because now WE don't have to handle this...know what the crooks did? Do you KNOW what the crooks did?

If you own property, every decade or so you have a lumber company come in and thin out the largest hardwoods. Pays the taxes and lets the forestry rebuild itself. And the last time the lumber guys came, they cut a stand of cherry. And my dad took it to the Amish in Tennessee and had them mill it into boards. To build things with...like bookshelves for 50th wedding anniversaries or boxes to stack for storage.

GUESS WHAT THE CROOKS USED AS RAMPS TO MOVE THE RUSTED-OUT WASHERS AND DRYERS?

Several tens of thousands of dollars worth of CHERRY WOOD. Handmilled cherry wood. Beautifully aged and carefully stacked. Cherry wood. In the mud, on the ground, ramping out 50 year old rusted washing machines and dryers.

My sister and I moved the cherry wood. It's not ruined and now it's somewhere else but...HOW DAMN DUMB IS THAT? The crime didn't get reported because as has been pointed out...the rest of us are just grateful the machines are gone but...you dumbass. You ignorant redneck. You TOTALLY worthless human beings.

Steal a couple of hundred dollars in scrap metal, using several thousand dollars in cherry wood to ramp it over the mud. I think I should call Matt Lauer. And I GUARANTEE you Paul Harvey is rolling OVER in his grave!

3 comments:

City Girl said...

1. It makes me smile that you call a laundromat a washeteria. *smooch*

2. I hope the damn redneck crooks don't read this blog and make a second trip.

hswilkinson said...

That sounds vaguely similar to some of the dumb people who try to steal copper...while it's still connected to high-voltage electricity. ZAAAAAP.

And then there's the heroin addict who broke into the Maryland house WHILE I WAS HOME. I hid in the garage, freaking out, talking to a 911 dispatcher. Cops caught him in the house. Dumbass.

Country Girl said...

Washeteria...would you believe, there was no correct spelling in Webster? We drove around for a couple of months copying down spellings...washeteria? washateria? washerteria? We almost DID call it a laundromat because my mother, the English teacher, was bound and determined we'd get it right.