07 May 2009

Ballad of the Bad Neighbor

I've told you all before about the neighbor who hates my dogs...all dogs...and how I went
"Tony Soprano"
on him a year or two ago for yelling at my dogs...I tried to find the old post, to link to, but it is buried beyond retrieval.

The Reader's Digest history: A guy and his wife moved in kiddie-corner behind us, so the southwest corner of our back yard touches the northeast corner of his back yard.

Immediately after moving in he pulled out all the mature landscaping around his house - we assume because he was afraid of termites - cut down the 40' pine tree between our houses (we know he was afraid it would fall on his house...another neighbor shared that tidbit) and cleared every BIT of noise-reducing vegetation between his house and my yard.

Then he complained to all the neighbors - not to us - that he could hear our dogs bark.

Hubster and Asshole, as he's affectionately known around Chez City, have had words. Many Words about how Asshole complained about us to all the neighbors who, btw, did not sympathize with him. Because we ALL have dogs. Except for Asshole.

They also argued because Asshole threatened my dogs with Oscar Meyer products and antifreeze.

A year after he moved in he cut down a half-dozen 80-year-old oak trees on the street around his house (he lives on a corner) and pissed off all the old timers in the neighborhood. Talk about Persona Non Grata. Aaaand by cutting down the trees he displaced about 100 squirrels. So the squirrels came into our yard.

I'll give you one guess as to what my dog - a Lab-mix - does when she sees squirrels in the yard.

Yessiree, Bob. She chases them and she barks at them and she feels good about herself. She now, in an effort to keep the neighborly peace, wears a bark collar. A shock-bark collar because HE cut down the bushes, cut down the trees and created a squirrel diaspora.

And he thinks HE's the victim here.

It's been about a year since I was playing in the yard with the dogs one evening, throwing tennis balls, and the dog - the waaaaay laid back one - was yipping at me (he's a shepherd, so you know a YIP coming out of his pipes is playful) to throw the ball to him.

All of a sudden Asshole comes storming out his back door and starts screaming in my general direction, "Shutupshutupshutup! Dammit SHUT UP!"

Naturally, I screamed back at him. A stream of obscenities his Baptist ears probably never heard before. I went deaf and blind and when it was over, I wasn't even sure what I'd said.

Fortunately, Hubster and all the other neighbors were outside that evening and were able to reenact the scene for my benefit...and their continued entertainment.

A year or more has passed since that last encounter.

Until last night.

Asshole was visiting nice new neighbor with new dog in the other yard that's kiddie-corner to ours. Undoubtedly he was warning new neighbor about barking and the noise ordinance.

I'm in the shower and I hear both my dogs go mental. Even the quiet shepherd was LOUD.

So out I jump, put on clothes and run barefoot out the back door to find Asshole cutting across the yard behind ours, coming toward our fence, taunting my dogs, "That's it, bark. Bark. Bark. Bark. All you do is bark."

At this point I'm not sure it's Asshole and I'm dumbfounded. A guy is walking TOWARD our yard, using a taunting voice, and...what does he expect? The dogs are going to freaking bark at him.

ITS. THEIR. JOB.

By the time I get the shepherd by the collar to bring him into the house, I'm right on the other side of the fence, and at this point I know it's Asshole because I recognize the whiny tone and he's walking toward his house.

All the while, still taunting, "Bark, bark, bark. Go ahead and bark. All you do is bark."

So I said, loudly, "You. Are. Fucking. Ridiculous."

Louder he says, "BARK. BARK. BARK."

This is a grown man with a PhD in something. Computers. Proctology....

So I told the dogs: "BARK AT THE BAD MAN. THAT'S IT. BARK AT THE BAD MAN."

I sunk. All the way down to his level. Again.

Say what you want to me, Asshole, because I will verbally reduce you to Shredded Wheat. But pick on my dogs and I'm mentally back in the 4th grade along with you....

So that was upsetting. Not just because I had to deal with him, but because I sank.

Sink. Sank. Sunk.

The new guy behind me? She doesn't bark at him. The new people next door? Doesn't bark at them. Guy on the other side of us who has parties in his yard every weekend? Doesn't bark at them. Asshole who has lived here now for 4 years? Can't not bark at him.

It's what dogs do. They sniff each others backsides all day. She knows an asshole when she smells one.

My secret joy is that we rented the house next door, which is directly behind Asshole, to a couple with a Pomeranian who Never. Stops. Yapping.

Heh-heh-heh.

16 comments:

Country Girl said...

Being mean to animals will send you to hell. Cutting down trees will send you to hell. Being the bad neighbor will send you to hell.

Do NOT get between this guy and hell...he has a special admission ticket.

Candice said...

Good one on renting the house with the yapper lol. That guys deserves whatever hes got coming to him. It's so true that dogs are an excellent judge of character. I'm here from May Minglers by the way :)

Kylie w Warszawie said...

That is awesome! The house renting part, I mean. We've had similar issues here. We don't have dogs but our neighbors do and they have gotten complaints when their dogs are really quiet unless you walk past their yard where no one ever walks.

Mejis said...

I'm sure if your dogs could speak they would be saying "look there goes the asshole" everytime they see him. I have a lab, too(and a lab/mix and a bull terrier). He barks everytime he hears a deer fart in the woods, or so it seems.
Good job on renting the house to a couple with a yappy dog! Haha!

Nina said...

That. Is. Awesome! My husband had words with both our neighbors, to the point that I was afraid police would get involved. So I told him that I'd take care of it, next time. Jackass backed right down, and the other neighbor is so country, he couldn't understand me, a well-educated modern city girl with a hefty vocabulary that speaks at a pace only slightly slower than a freight train. Problem solved. Hubby says I give off a total asshole vibe. "Don't talk to me, I will make you look stupid." Maybe this is why I never got hit on in college.

mo.stoneskin said...

Moral: Phds count for nothing...

Indigo said...

Oh my gosh, the 4th grader in me would be ringing his doorbell in the middle of the night and running like hell into someone else's bushes to antagonize him even more.

The adult in me would get a restraining order against him.

What an ASS!!!

Happy Mingling! Glad you joined us!

Tom said...

O. M. G.!!! That is one of the funniest things I've heard in a while!!

You should engage him sometime and turn his PhD into something to clean up the dog crap with. My only regret is that I'm not there to witness it.

*snicker* ...Shredded Wheat... *snort*

Srsly though, sorry you're having issues with your "neighbor".
*chuckle*

Le laquet said...

Blogger ate my comment! It was about dogs having to bark and your neighbour being a twat!! Bad blogger!!

Bev Sykes said...

Oh, I understand. We have the barking problem too...but fortunately don't have an asshole behind us. Still it's a huge problem.

Bev Sykes said...

(forgot to mention I am mingling)

kathi said...

Wow. This guy makes my neighbors all look like angels from heaven. OK, not really, but maybe a little less assholish. So sorry to hear you have to deal with someone like this. The antifreeze threats would probably have me freaked out even if I didn't think he'd follow through :(

Mingle on!

Comet Girl said...

A mama is a mama. Don't mess with our kids, 2 legs or 4! Been there done that. I screamed at my neighbor on Meridian St. calling him a sadistic son-of-a-bitch for trying to KICK my dog. Every person on that street came out on their porch to witness this episode. Poor guy never had a chance though. Between me and my crazy redheaded grandmother tag-teaming him, no chance! It's amazing how red your neck can get when yer protectin' yer young 'uns!

hswilkinson said...

Our next-door neighbor has a chow who HATES US. But we don't care if he barks at us. HE'S A DOG. IT'S WHAT HE DOES. The Boy is ABSO-FRAKIN-LUTELY TERRIFIED of dogs, and he doesn't care about barking.

I say your neighborhood should hire a herd of chihuahuas and other yippie dogs and stage a bark-in in front of his house.

Country Girl said...

Okay...do I get a vote? Because I am all ABOUT the ringing the doorbell and running. Oh, Lord, how cool is THAT?

Dory said...

Whoooooo! This was so delicious, I had to read it twice. Srsly not kidding you. Mm Mm Mmmmmmm.