My little brother, his wife and two kids are in Virginia for my sister-in-law's brother's wedding. Since they were that far anyway, they're spending a week in D.C. Keeping in mind that if they ever got a divorce, my little brother's out of here and we're keeping the SIL? She provides us with great material. Excerpts from his emails.
Cast of Characters:
The narrator...my 45-year-old brother
His wife, my sister-in-law
Her sisters: Sister One, the oldest, and Sister Two, the middle child
My niece and nephew, Kid One (male) and Kid Two (female)
Drive 11 hours to Richmond, kids do fine. SIL needs to stop about every two hours for whatever the kids forgot to buy at last stop.
We arrive and go to first party not bad, this is at the best man’s house, names John, has a 68 year old house cook/maid and she ran her mouth and of course got into it with Sister One and dressed her up and down. S1's husband was fit to be tied. His helpers at his farm have been working for his family since 1850 or so. One girl Kid Two’s age. No boys, Kid One spent the evening on the front steps asking when we could leave.
Second day golf in the AM pretty good, Friday night party pool side, host said kids could swim. Kid One fell in by mistake and sat by the back yard, no boys, asking when we could leave, Kid Two found swim suit and stayed in the pool. SIL and S1 got into it as S1 felt kids in pool inappropriate. SIL told her to shut up. Went back to hotel, took kids to bed, SIL and rest of wedding party went to bar; SIL and S1 got into it because S1 didn’t think SIL paid Sister Two's daughter, Niece Two, enough for summer help. Now S1 didn’t know how much SIL paid but she knew it wasn’t enough. SIL told S1 to mind her own business.
Wedding day, played golf with brother in laws, went well. Returned to hotel, lady jumped all over S1 because the sister of the bride parked van in wrong place. S1 was just standing there minding her own business and the lady just goes off. We laughed until we cried. Wedding ceremony lasted about two hours. Four different people spoke. Forgot S1 fell over pews preparing to speak at rehearsal the night before. Made it fine at the wedding though. Wedding planner crawled all over me because SIL and S2 sat on wrong row. I went down and made them move. Wedding planner not very nice.
But it’s finally over.
Two days later:
(SIL) Still doesn’t know left from right. We are driving through DC traffic and I have given her the GPS. Now this is my computer with a map listing all the streets and a big red arrow this is us moving along. We are coming up to a T in the road I ask left or right, silence, I ask again, silence, I look over she has both hands in the air, apparently to separate which one she writes with and yells left as I turn right. Stop the van in six lane busy road and get out and walk around to passenger side and there she sits. I ask her to move over and drive. I take GPS she takes wrong turn but I can see the hotel on the screen and we are on a parallel street heading the same direction. This is more than she can stand. We turn into hotel parking lot and she is totally amazed.
Other things. Kids on vacation lose their hearing.
Kid One can say “dad quit kicking me under the table” and everyone in the restaurant can hear him.
Kid Two can say “dad quit pulling my hair” to get quite a bit of attention herself.
I am going to find the closest Wal-Mart and visit and beat the stuffing out of my kids as apparently this is the only place that still allows that type thing.
Well, headed to spy museum and other places me and kids ready to go need to find SIL she went to get directions and is lost again.