09 September 2009

That family circus thing...

A while back FatBoyFat commented in a post about having children: that so far he and his wife had never had the urge to procreate at the same time. So...no kids. It made me think...I was going to write a post about why I DO have kids, but the last several months have been such a comedy of errors that the only rationale I have? It really IS biological. There is no reasonable purpose for deliberately living like this.

Having said that...I love these kids. They are my primary reason for functioning (see? reason #1 not to have kids...it's not about you anymore) out in the real world. But on a daily basis I would look at things and think, "See? If you didn't have kids you wouldn't be buying shampoo for the third time in a week because The Nice Kid never puts the top back on anything and it all leaked out into the shower floor. Again." And then I would realize...that's not a battle and I HAVE learned to choose.

Then I got ready to leave for a doctor's appointment and...the clicker to my car is gone. Turns out? TNK went out early this morning to unlock the car and...put it in her pocket. Which is in her pants in her school in a town 20 miles away. Pisser. (Reason #2...NOTHING is ever as you planned it.)

It's only little things, but it is the sum total of my life...no clean towels. An empty milk jug in the refrigerator. Ants in the car because someone dropped a banana peel in the floorboard on the way to school. Washing a sweatshirt ALL SUMMER LONG because every time I wash it and hang it up? They throw it down in the floor looking for something else and it gets dog hair all over it. Dogs in the house...dog not in the house. Animals (THAT I DIDN'T WANT) not fed. Again.

The list goes on, but then I step back and Y'ALL! These are the coolest people on the planet. TNK is approaching 1200 volunteer hours at assisted living and she's 14 years old. She has friends wearing North Face and Sperry and friends with piercings. She can read three books in one day and loves to take my camera and shoot awesome pictures. But then...then...we call it Planet Pariss, because there's no one home but her.

Saturday morning I picked her up from a sleep-over and we stopped at McDonald's to get breakfast. For four. Well, I had coupons but you're only allowed one coupon per visit and I...needed more food than that. So I put her out at the side and sent her in to buy two McGriddles, while I went through the drive-thru for two chicken biscuits. This was Saturday morning, so it took a while. I waited in line. Placed my order. Inched into the main line. Paid. Waited. Inched up again. Got my food.

When I rounded the corner of the building she wasn't standing there, so I pulled off to the side to wait. After about two minutes I realized I was in the way, so I pulled into a parking spot. Waited a little bit and then got out my sudoku. Started figuring. Eventually, I realized I had been sitting there for nearly ten minutes...WHERE THE HELL IS MY KID?

Turned the car off, got out and went inside and there she stood. I probably had "that look" on my face because the first words out of her mouth were, "They're not calling out the numbers in order." Just then the speaker blares, "Ticket 179. Ticket 179."

TNK holds up her receipt and said, "I'm 284." When I asked had she missed her call she assures me that no, she's been standing right there and just about the time I get ready to start screaming about TEXTING when you are supposed to be LISTENING, the speaker announces, in a VERY peeved voice, "NUMBER ONE TWENTY-TWO. ONE TWENTY-TWO. Two McGriddles!!"

And I turn around to glare at my child who says, "But that's not my number!" and I said, "Well, that's your ORDER," and she goes and gets the bag and we get in the car and...

$2.84

Her total. What she owed.

We spent TWENTY MINUTES in a MCDONALDS on a SATURDAY morning.

She will vote. And reproduce. And I perpetuated these genes. Having said that? She's your favorite person when you meet her and I'm just along for the ride.

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