22 October 2009

End of Days - Part II

I have a bone to pick with Sts. Matt, Mark, Luke and John.

Well, not so much the picking of bones...and nits...as a request for the addition of a 13th sign of the end of the world.

So, from what I remember of vacation bible school, signs of End Times include, among other things, a single world currency and a single "pure" language as well as the rise of the "Evil One."

Check, check and check.

Single world currency? Arms. Weapons are de facto currency. Is there an unarmed country on Earth? Hell, even the Swiss have knives and fondue forks.

Single pure language? Binary code, my friends. Ones and zeros.

Rise of the Antichrist? I give you...Windows Vista.

My addition to these signs is this: Man will be enslaved by the fleece of a false creature.

The Snuggie.

I thought - THOUGHT - I understood the extent to which Snuggies had infiltrated society, but the illusion was shattered while I was standing in line at Walmart the other day.

There, on the home field of evil, two kids - boys aged maybe 12 and 14 - practically BEGGED their mother for Snuggies for Christmas. For Christmas. As gifts. They didn't beg for Halo 47, didn't beg for Megan Fox bed sheets. They begged for Snuggies.

Since when do preadolescent boys plead for synthetic, sleeved blankets? Seriously. Even NFL-emblazoned Snuggies aren't whine-worthy. How do you explain this? Hell, how do you explain Snuggies worming their human contact-destroying way into popular culture?

The First Chicago Snuggie Pub Crawl? Really? I'm guessing everyone went home alone that night.

Snuggies for dogs? Snuggies for babies? Whatever happened to keeping warm by cuddling?

Pure evil.

And is it a coincidence that these things look like clerical robes? I think not.

Consider yourselves warned, people. These are dark times.

Be strong. Do not fall to temptation!

And if you already own a Snuggie, REPENT! Get thee to a department store and buy a natural wool blanket! Throw it over yourself and your loved ones and cuddle! For the love of God, CUDDLE!

10 comments:

Governor Jen said...

I actually recently learned that the Swiss are about the best armed country in the world. They spend the most per capita on defense. Missile silos in each of those pretty mountains. Believe it or not, they're not just about knives and stinky cheese anymore.

And binary code isn't the world's language - OMG I'm LMAO is...

As for the Snuggie, my kid begged for one for Christmas last year. Trust me, I don't think it's what is going to bring down the end of the earth, unless it's in frustration from those ridiculously long ape arms they think everyone has! (Seriously, who has 5 foot long arms) It's now the dog's favorite blanket.

Melissa said...

If you go to Costco, you can buy the luxury microfiber snuggie. In fashion print, no less. :)

Moon said...

I'm just sayin' if the "end of days" comes in Dec of 2012 I'll be f'ing pissed--that's when I can collect Social Security--pissed I tell ya.

Country Girl said...

Now see...cuddling around here involves 1)soccer sweat 2)basketball sweat 3)tennis sweat 4)husband wanting me to stay up when I have to be up in four hours and he doesn't and 5)animals who know who REALLY butters their bread. Showers don't matter. Perhaps I need a Snugli.

Kwizgiver said...

*mingle*

I'm so glad I'm not alone in my disdain for the Snuggie.

Mejis said...

You are right, Snuggies are pure EVIL.

Comet Girl said...

"Man will be enslaved by the fleece of a false creature." Brilliance! Pure brilliance! It's evil AND ugly!

Indigo said...

I will not buy a Snuggie, not even for my dogs!

Lumpy said...

I just don't get the Snuggie??? Hell, just put on your robe backwards!

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

Truer words have never been spoken!!! I always like to imagine in the commercial when the families are at ball games or around the camp fire that they are Jedi's... it keeps the feeling more warm and fuzzy... then again... Vader was once a Jedi too... EEP!