10 November 2009

And all I can give you is fat jeans...

My life is complete. Absolutely totally AT THE PINNACLE complete.

I found a pair of jeans. That fit. And feel good. I bought them all.

If you have a body then you know that bodies essentially come in two shapes...belly gainers and butt gainers. Although there are MINOR deviations on these two themes...that is basically IT. Belly fat or butt/thigh fat. And it doesn't matter WHAT you do or HOW you do it, short of surgery you are stuck with what you were given and even then, $15K lighter, you're still just a variation of your basic shape.

Back in the day, when I was 5'9" and a size four, with 18% body fat, I SERIOUSLY obsessed about that 2-1/2 ounce pooch. Right under my perfect belly button and right above my perfect thighs. At the time? I was oblivious to what was right and focused on what was wrong. My only jeans problem involved tiny size and extra length. (My greatest accomplishment as a parent is that...my children are comfortable in their skin. Flaws, pluses, minuses? They think they are okay. Thank you, God.)

Someone just slap the SHIT out of me. For my utter stupidity. Then do it AGAIN because...

I had two kids after 40 and the Jean Gods whacked my ASS. Today's belly button? Has had two infertility surgeries, two c-sections and gall bladder surgery. Those thighs? Roadmap to hell. I would post an after picture, except that I think it qualifies as Used Body Porn.

Women's jeans come...with a waist. City Girl and I EXEMPLIFY the two types...she could use a BREAD TIE for a belt. Me? Cut that bread bag into strips and tie them end-to-end. Women's jeans have this waist and then...if you're a belly gainer like me...they have these two pouches on the side. Pouches that if you have HIPS, fit your body. If you have BELLY, you are wearing parachutes from your belt loops. Or out-of-whack jodphurs, without a four-legged beast in sight.

So a couple of days ago I am strolling through WalMartHell and somehow...I was in the men's department which doesn't make sense but...there I was. And lo and behold...Levi's are making jeans for WalMart. Now, I LOVE me some Levi's. I spent about a FORTUNE last year trying to find the Silver Tab jeans I USED to wear in a size I never DREAMED of but...apparently there were a LOT of Silver Tabs and I never got the ones I wanted. So there I stand, and right in front of me are 1) relaxed fit 2) Levi's 3) in LENGTHS and 4) WITHOUT hips. Oh. My. Goodness.

The first pair was too small...32's. Considering that for years I bought 28's and took them in, this was an insult. So I bought 34's and while they were okay out of the dryer...30 minutes later I've got one hand holding my glass and the other hand holding my pants.

33X34. I am in HEAVEN. I have ARRIVED. I have JEANS for the first time in...five years. They FIT through the waist and hips and then are LOOSE through the thighs and they COVER my boot-tops and...reference an older post concerning SpongeBob Butt, which comes from wearing hip-huggers which didn't work when I was 14 and look even worse today...I am comfortable.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Levi's. Thank you...acceptance. Because now? I'm feeling so good...I have a winter equivalent to my summer linens which incidentally...I got in the men's department at Kohl's. It may have taken me 53 years but I have stumbled upon an epiphany!!

The WalMart aspect sort of taints it, don't you think?

6 comments:

Mejis said...

I think I might have to wander over to the men's department next time I go to Hell, I mean Walmart.

Used body porn. lol That was a good one!

Country Girl said...

You know how men's drycleaning is cheaper than ours? Turns out...so are their clothes!

Ambiance in the Attic said...

Great idea to go to the men's dept., I'll check it out! My one pair of jeans that fit for 30 min after the wash and too stretched out after that will probably not make it through the winter.

hswilkinson said...

My current jeans of choice are Macy's Style&Co easy fit. It is SO hard for me to find jeans. My problem? Hips. Apparently, most manufacturers think that fat girls are cylinders. NO - think hourglass. I laughed at Gap's "curvy" jeans. Curvy, my ass.

Lora said...

men's jeans are truly the best.
second best are the Boyfriend Khaki's in the women's dept at the Gap.

my butt and belly stay flat, but my hips get out of control with any weight gain. Men's jeans are the only thing that will accomodate.

And yeah, those Gap Curvy things are pieces of crap.

Madame Meow said...

Oh screw the Wal-Mart aspect! You found gloriously fitting jeans and that's enough!

(I'm a belly-gainer too, by the by. And it sucks. Sigh.)