01 December 2009

My Take on Tiger

Again this morning with the "ESPN insiders" on the morning news programs!

Everyone wants to know what happened with Tiger. Oh, the mystery!

This man can't figure it out...that man has an opinion...the other guy thinks its a Republican conspiracy against black athletes - blah, Blah, BLAH.

Do you want to know what *really* happened? Ask a woman. More specifically, ask a woman who has been scorned.

This "mystery" has Caught With His Pants Down written all over it.

Here's how I think it played out (and as a golf fan, yes, I'm actually interested in this story):

1 a.m.: After a confrontation Tiger confesses to fucking around. Happy Turkey Day.
1:10: Elin (who is not exactly petite) locates his favorite golf clubs.
1:30: Elin begins chasing Tiger, swinging clubs at his head.
1:40: Tiger realizes she's serious about shoving his favorite driver up his ass.
1:42: Tiger locates car keys. Note to Buick: Keys to a Caddy.
1:43: Tiger hauls ass to the garage, with wife in hot pursuit, swinging wildly.
1:43:3o: Tiger backs down drive, wife makes contact with a vehicle window.
1:43:35: Wife makes contact with another vehicle window.

For the next sixty seconds she chases him down the drive, trying to pull his sorry ass through the car door so she can finish him off. He reaches over to lock the door, loses control of the vehicle and bada-bing, bada-boom, he lands in a ditch.

Well-meaning neighbor calls the cops and the rest is history.

What would be MORE embarrassing than a DUI in your own driveway, which, really wouldn't be all THAT embarrassing?

The revelation that Tiger can't keep his wood to himself.

Your Honor, I rest my case.

14 comments:

BabyBoy said...

Absolutly the greatest Tiger Woods commentary yet. you are brilliant!

Governor Jen said...

EXACTLY! The only difference in my story is she hit him in the head BEFORE he got in the car, which is why he was driving so erratically. But either could work.

I'll never condone domestic violence. I will, however, point out the obvious that he is a complete dumbass.

Comet Girl said...

I think he wrecked the car to explain the cuts and contusions. You gotta hand it to him though, He took a serious ass whipping that he deserved and never hit her back.

Le laquet said...

I think you must have been the fly on the wall!

Badass Geek said...

That's the best explanation I've heard.

Governor Jen said...

Hey - have you seen the Chinese TV version?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7i5FlC1MpkE

Expat From Hell said...

FINALLY some clarity! Who needs ESPN when we can tune in to your blog station! This is a lot more plausible than anything I've seen elsewhere. It's a shame that Tiger can't be satisfied with a hole in one. EFH

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

true story. case closed. Good thing he plays golf and doesn't drive a nascar!

Tom said...

The only thing I would add to that is that despite all the commentators bitching about their need to know and "what is he hiding? Why is he covering up a crime?", They have absolutely NO need to know and he has every right to cover this up if he chooses to. I won't ever condone domestic violence either, but if he took the ass whuppin that he had comin and is covering for her because he deserved it, then good for him. Even if he was drunk like some people suspect, it makes zero difference and there was NO CRIME because he was in his own driveway. I don't care about Tiger and could care less about this, but he does deserve some privacy in his life no matter what he endorses or how much money people have paid to see him play. That's their own stupidity!
But I could be wrong...

City Girl said...

Tom, dood. Buzz kill.

Yes, he should have some privacy. He has a LOT of privacy, comparatively. But he also puts himself out there taking a shitload of money in exchange for a place in the public eye...and I have NO use for dom violence or wife-cheatery.

C'mon! He's practially *begging* me to mock him!

Country Girl said...

Okay, back-up for Tom. I have the utmost admiration for this guy because he does what he does with his own mind and willpower. No backgound money/country club/family connections. I'm married to a golfer...golf is all about you and the game. Being the BEST at something? Is not like being an actor, someone who seeks out public adoration. Golf is a skill...and maybe if you're the best golfer in the world...some of your other takes are skewed? I didn't even know the story...this is SO none of my business. But then again, I'm the person who reads People in the salon and doesn't know most of the People in it ;)

Country Girl said...

Oh, and there's domestic violence and then there's domestic violence. Once upon a time, 20 years ago, there was the outline of a shoe, in a hole through the sheetrock in our bedroom. And when my friend Tony pointed out, "You'd have HURT her if you hit her with that shoe," The Big Boy replied, "If I'd meant to hit her, I would have." The Tiger uproar may have just been poor fire hydrant placement ;)

Nancy said...

You are absolutely right!

Le laquet said...

And the 3rd mistress anounced today!!