20 January 2010

Filter Fail - Again

I've finally identified my purpose in life.

My gift.

The reason for my carbon footprint.

I make everyone else feel better about themselves.

Unlike most people, I think things...and before I know it, they're flying out of my mouth. Most adults can control that shit.

Aside: Hub disclosed today that I talked back to the screen during the ENTIRE Avatar movie. Now, I know I talk back to my laptop monitor and the TV at home, but I didn't realize I do it in public. Yeah, apparently I have huge self-awareness issues on top of Filter Failure.

So tonight Hub takes me out for a nice dinner. Like a date. And on the way home, we stop for lattes.

Now, it's a given that - since we keep separate money - when one pays for dinner the other pays for coffees. That's just the way we roll.

So we walk into our local painfully hip, overrun-with-and-run-by university students, and the woolly bearded guy in flannel offers to take our order. Since I'm paying, I get to do the ordering. So I look at Hub and ask:

"Do I want what I think you want?" Meaning coffee. TOTALLY meaning coffee. A triple-shot decaf soy latte.

But he looks at me - like *looks* at me for a fraction of a second and before I know it, I'm saying - out loud:

"If you want what I think you want we'll have to go home."

Woolly Flannel Guy is stunned. Actually sitting on his bar stool, behind the cash, with his mouth hanging open.

Gypsy Dress Girl is standing beside him, ready to exploding-fist-bump me.

So WFG - out of nowhere...most random non sequitur ever - says, "We have cranberry juice."

EEEWWWW!!! Right? Totally worse than what I said.

Except that he has no idea what he said. Cranberry juice means nothing to boys. He apparently picked a cold beverage at random, trying to make a "maybe you'd like a cold drink in lieu of a cold shower" joke.

Gypsy Dress Girl and I look at each other and DIE laughing. Hub doesn't have a clue WFG is still stunned but now equally confused. And Gypsy and I - Double Jinx - say in unison, "Okay, start over" - complete with the Mr. Miyogi wax-on, wax-off jazz hands gesture.

THAT got me the exploding fist bump.

Hub actually thought what I said was funny, loathe as he was to admit it at first, because he's always saying that I'm like a guy when it comes to the hanky-panky and now here I am in public, proving his point.

He was even a tad smug about it.

Woolly Flannel Guy? Totally did not make eye contact when he handed me my latte.

Gypsy Dress Girl? Definitely taking WFG home with her tonight.

My filter loss is WFG's gain. So, yeah, maybe this is my special purpose?

Do YOU feel a little bit better about whatever stupid thing you did today?

Yeah? Well, you're welcome.
Feel free to visit whenever you need a little self-esteem boost.

God knows we'll be here. Saying and doing and pointing out stupid shit.

2 comments:

Malisa said...

"God knows we'll be here. Saying and doing and pointing out stupid shit."

What a wonderful slogan! I think it ought to be part of your heading! :)

Comet Girl said...

Another movie reference, "special purpose". You're keeping me on my toes.