05 January 2010

It's a legal defense...

...or it soon will be. There's an old joke that the quickest way to a man's heart is straight through his chest with a rusty knife.

I'm stocking up on Clorox.

One of the side effects of having kids is...The Kid Funk. It comes in all shapes and sizes and calibre, but every now and then they bring in some errant germ I haven't seen before and WHOP...I'm down.

My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My ears hurt. My throat is on FIRE. I have snot (not some polite bodily fluid, but SNOT) oozing from places I didn't even know I have. Every time I shift position, the room shifts, too. It doesn't help that it's REALLY cold here and the heat is running pretty much non-stop. I can't keep a humidifier in every room, so I move the one I have around and try to keep water in the bathtubs.

So this morning, I'm sitting on the couch trying to get my feet under me to get these kids to school. I didn't take a shower yesterday, because that would have involved GETTING UP and I'm not moving without an earthquake or major emergency. My nose is still stopped up, my ears are popping, my eyes are swollen and I'm stirring my Alka-Seltzer Cold Plus with the ear piece to my glasses.

Picture: Misery. That would be ME.

It is 6:26 and the kids have to be up at 6:30. PLEASE, Lord, let me get this medicine down and let it WORK. I can't see and I can't breathe and I can't swallow.

And I will be damned if The Big Boy didn't walk into the den, towel around his waist, and announce, "How 'bout a blowjob in the bathroom?"

I calculated the distance between the knife rack in the kitchen and his chest. I did a quick look-see through the room to see if there might be a sharp object within reach.

No such luck.

So I did the next best thing: Turned the small side-table over on his bare feet. Just gave it a little push and...voila!! Never even said a word. Swirled my beverage around to get the last of the little medications floating, and watched over the top of my glass as he stormed upstairs.

Are you CRAZY??

You just better hope I don't figure out a way to stash the steak knives under the couch cushions. It's not premeditated if I don't know when you're coming.

Or not.

8 comments:

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

OH MY GOSH - bless your heart! Get well soon. It is FREEZING HERE in N. Alabama - I don't want to see our heating bill. Our damn heat is hovering at 65 degrees in the house. I'm contemplating solar energy at this point - I'm NOT made of money and I'm not willing to take up hooking on the corner to pay for utilities either!

I hope you feel better soon and that you always have a coffee table within reach - the nerve of him!

Melissa said...

I wish I could say that's never happened here, but alas not.

Oh, by the way, I've thrown a little smack talk your way on my blog today. Remember, I'm a Longhorn. I would be sadly disappointed if you did not respond appropriately.

Nina said...

I sorry for your plight, but you present it in a hysterical light. I laughed so long and loud, I got hiccups, and had to read to the Hubby. He would do the same damn thing. I even got a small grin out of him. I hope you feel better soon! And, if not, I say mention Lorena Bobbitt in passing. If he doesn't get THAT message, well...

Nancy said...

LOL! I'm sorry - but you can be so funny even when you are miserable. I'm not nearly so entertaining. I had the gunk for a month! Sorry but it can stick around for a while, trust me. Lots of water, tea, rest. The old remedies are the best. Get well soon! I feel for you!

Mrs. Gamgee said...

*trying to control my giggles and attempting a concerned face*

I certainly hope you feel better soon. The Crud is particularly icky this time of year.

Btw, I read this post to my Beloved as a cautionary tale. He has the same sense of timing as your Big Boy.

Country Girl said...

I am astounded at the number of people this happens to!! Are those boys CRAZY??

Nina said...

No, boys are stupid, remember?

Lisa said...

There ain't a jury in the world that would convict you. Long as it's loaded with women, of course.