...or it soon will be. There's an old joke that the quickest way to a man's heart is straight through his chest with a rusty knife.
I'm stocking up on Clorox.
One of the side effects of having kids is...The Kid Funk. It comes in all shapes and sizes and calibre, but every now and then they bring in some errant germ I haven't seen before and WHOP...I'm down.
My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My ears hurt. My throat is on FIRE. I have snot (not some polite bodily fluid, but SNOT) oozing from places I didn't even know I have. Every time I shift position, the room shifts, too. It doesn't help that it's REALLY cold here and the heat is running pretty much non-stop. I can't keep a humidifier in every room, so I move the one I have around and try to keep water in the bathtubs.
So this morning, I'm sitting on the couch trying to get my feet under me to get these kids to school. I didn't take a shower yesterday, because that would have involved GETTING UP and I'm not moving without an earthquake or major emergency. My nose is still stopped up, my ears are popping, my eyes are swollen and I'm stirring my Alka-Seltzer Cold Plus with the ear piece to my glasses.
Picture: Misery. That would be ME.
It is 6:26 and the kids have to be up at 6:30. PLEASE, Lord, let me get this medicine down and let it WORK. I can't see and I can't breathe and I can't swallow.
And I will be damned if The Big Boy didn't walk into the den, towel around his waist, and announce, "How 'bout a blowjob in the bathroom?"
I calculated the distance between the knife rack in the kitchen and his chest. I did a quick look-see through the room to see if there might be a sharp object within reach.
No such luck.
So I did the next best thing: Turned the small side-table over on his bare feet. Just gave it a little push and...voila!! Never even said a word. Swirled my beverage around to get the last of the little medications floating, and watched over the top of my glass as he stormed upstairs.
Are you CRAZY??
You just better hope I don't figure out a way to stash the steak knives under the couch cushions. It's not premeditated if I don't know when you're coming.