01 September 2010

The best of these I've ever seen...

...from my Mom:


Life's Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history when you die. This is so funny because all MY friends? "GET THIS PORN OUT OF HERE!"

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. This has never happened to me. That's my story and I'm sticking to it ;)

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. One of the benefits of being me? I nap every day.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. Maybe Comic Sans?

5. Really, how ARE you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? Give her credit...Martha showed us all and it works.

6. Was learning cursive really necessary? VERY good point, except in the South where thank-you notes go out the day OF the party.

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. Especially since from there? They ain't got a clue ;)

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. YES!!!!!

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. Luckily, you can blame it on either your kids or your parents. Situational.

10. Bad decisions make good stories. Well, duh.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. I start out 90% of my days like this. Just give up ahead of time and you haven't failed.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. I actually would be happy if we had given up after VHS. What the HELL am I supposed to do with all this Disney stuff?

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. Thank you.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -ever. I would NEVER buy anything with a label like that! Every garment I own is the color of wine or cheese dip ;)

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? >Crud!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? No, they're sitting there all pissy because you didn't cancel all your life issues to talk to them. About THEIR life issues ;(

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. I stopped wearing makeup about two years over this. WTH? If I DO run into you? Let's have a drink and I'll improve.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. Let's not go here. This usually involves relatives.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. Wrong. Mine has one.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers . I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. Only in this house. I'm guessing the majority of the planet gets going with HERSHEY kisses. Chocolate rules.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. Around here, we need a "no booze zone." There really ARE places here that don't sell alchohol.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it. OMG!!! In New Orleans? The gay bars show the original Batman series. Every other comment? Oh, yeah.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. This is why you have kids.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text. Or mascara.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. Boredom is when there's no one to have margaritas at lunch with you.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? Depends on the age of the person you're talking to. My dad? Just smile the entire time.

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! Oh YES. I can identify specific drivers by exactly which lane they're in at 7:10 in the mornings.

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. Thank you, Levi Strauss.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year? Not only do they get dumber...they get YOUNGER. Have you SEEN the kids in high school these days? What happened to the muscular jocks from my day? ;)

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. This is a guy thing.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists. Yes. And then YES again.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. I've looked up the date twice this morning and I still don't know when the month ends.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! This is the only dud on this list...I don't have an alarm clock. I KNOW I have to be up...perpetually ;)

9 comments:

Islandia Lane said...

I think this may be the first time by your blog... or maybe just the changes? Either way, great blog! and I LOVE the whiskey shot as your header - so great.
And from this list # 6 is my FAV. so true! hahaha

City Girl said...

You know that I do hold you responsible for not only shutting down my Facebook account when I die but also wiping all this Alexander Skarsgard soft porn from my laptop.

City Girl said...

PS - Number 31? Honey, the month ended *yesterday*.

Alicia said...

these are awesome!!! especially because i effing HATE fitted sheets.....drive me friggin crazy!

Country Girl said...

I really can't believe more people didn't identify with the porn...but then I got to thinking about it and every person who told me that is gay. Makes sense ;)

Merisi said...

Oh my goodness, I am laughing my head off here:
It's Martha who taught me how to fold those hellish fitted sheets, and it's so darn easy NOW! *giggles*

Merisi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Merisi said...

Btw, #22 is so true - I have had ligaments torn, but still insist on shlepping it all in in one load (kids? how many do you need to get help? I gave up at four!).

#17: I hate "Undisclosed Number" - I never answer. Never ever.

#15 This happens because the answering machine needs its while to settle down again and free the line (seriously).

#13 What, you got no "YES AND NO" button? ;-)


(Sorry, had to delete the previous comment, sent off with too many mistakes.)

fatboyfat said...

Not so sure Comic Sans would work as a font for sarcasm. How about Gothic?

Hmm, no, perhaps not, I hear the Pope uses that one on his IM account.