03 January 2011

Apparently, I had a Christmas godmother...

...as opposed to a Fairy Godmother. Because on the stroke of five o'clock today? I ran OUT of me some Christmas spirit. I ran out of ANYTHING remotely related to kindness, tolerance and motherly love. Don't EVEN be looking at me because I am NOT happy to be here.

And yes, those words are in caps for a REASON because YES, I am yelling. A lot.

The Nice Kid went back to school today, while The Not Nice Kid had the day off. We slept late and piddled around, and then went to Olive Garden (my kids' idea of perfect) for lunch. Bought some groceries. Bought some more groceries. Came home.

Where I promptly turned into a pumpkin. Or a frog or whatever the hell that story was.

TNK has lost two of my oldest and most memorable earrings this month. One each from two sets. She has an F and a D on her report card, but sees nothing wrong with texting and Facebooking because, "I don't have any homework."

When I asked her to pour the leftover stew into the dog's bowl, she did. Then set the pan and the spoon IN THE FLOOR beside the bowl and left the room. When I asked her to put her dirty dishes in the dishwasher, she did. Without (forget RINSING) even scraping the cup of food still in there out.

Whatever I threw that time? Broke.

I've been working on the upstairs bathroom all afternoon and when I asked her to bring down the shower curtain to go in the next load of laundry? She did.

With the fucking shower curtain hooks STILL IN THE CURTAIN.

Should you ever have a hankering to make Turkish Delight because you saw it in the movie? Three-fourths cup shelled pistachios IN WALMART are $10. TEN. DOLLARS. One thousand cents, or thereabouts. I'm seriously banking on a bunch of fifth graders not knowing the difference in pistachios and sunflower seeds and if they do? WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?????

The Big Boy has been huffing and puffing around here the last couple of weeks. Of course, this is because of the animals or the heat running or some nefarious plan put in place by whomever is out to get him this week. NOTHING has been mentioned about the 15 or 20 POUNDS he's gained in the last month and YES, if you are 6'5" then you can carry a lot of weight but I don't care HOW tall you are...240+ pounds is a lot of pounds. So when he started complaining about whatever he was certain was attacking him, the other day...I VERY politely asked that if he was going to have a heart attack, would he please do it at work so I didn't have to put up with a bunch of paramedics trampling all over the house.

He has NO sense of humor.

You know what I DID do that improves the planet? Bought (THIS SIGN) to carry around in my car and flash at those stupid women, driving in the left lane alternating between 40 and 80 miles and hour and weaving all over the road while TALKING ON THEIR CELLPHONES.

Yes, I know there's no picture there. It's 25 degrees and falling and I'm not going out to the car to take a picture but I will tomorrow. The sign says, "Hang up and drive!"

So tomorrow, I start the new year. With no resolutions other than to get through each day, at the best making someone's life a little nicer and at the worst, not committing bodily harm against someone who deserves it. One step at a time...one step at a time ;)

3 comments:

Comet Girl said...

Is it hormones that make a teenager go brain dead for approx. 5 years? I still haven't figured out what makes a married man so friggin' clueless. Do you feel like your walking around in a bubble looking out at all the crazy people, saying to yourself, "REALLY!?!" Maybe we should just drink the Kool-Aid and join them. I know my blood pressure would probable regulate.

Country Girl said...

CG...this one has always been a little...forgetful, but these days? She is an IDIOT. And I left out the diagonally parked Beemer with the personalized tag. Which, when I left, had a note on the windshield reading "You can't park for shit ;(" Didn't accomplish anything but tickled the hell out of TNNK.

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

your plan sounds perfect to me... one step at a time. My gosh I would have lost my shizz - this is why I don't have kids. I have a well mannered boyfriend that I barely trained in anything - I still get let down but lord help me if I had kids... I might have to scream "I brought you into this world, I can take you out, over and over just like my mom did!