24 January 2011

An Open Letter to Middle Aged Husbands

From their middle-aged wives.

Dear Ridiculous Males:

The next time one of you intimates that your loving wife would be unfaithful to you, or go so far as to lose your Viagra-addled mind and come right out and accuse her of doing such a thing, ask yourself this: Would this woman really allow herself to be viewed naked by another man?

This is the woman who has not been seen in a bathing suit, without wearing a beach cover-up, even while in the water, since before 9/11.

Before you state, in all seriousness (disregarding the smack we talk) that your wife would, if given the chance, betray you with a movie star/football player/musician, remember that even you - YOU, who snore and fart and belch in front of her - haven't seen her without at least one article of clothing covering a jiggling or sagging bit since she bore your last child.

Do you really think she could show Johnny Depp her jiggly parts without dying, on the spot, of humiliation? Don't even pause to think about that one. This is an open-book test and the answer is Hell. No.

(For the record, Hub knows I'm all talk and no action when it comes to ogling cute boys, but clearly not all husband do).

Finally, just in case I've not yet driven home my point, parked it in the garage and thrown the keys at you, here's a newsflash: 95% of us think we're disgusting.

We can't even look at ourselves naked! When we try on clothes in public? We turn our backs to the full-length mirror while we undress. We do not think we're sexy. We do NOT believe we are desirable to anyone - not even you, half the time - and we would rather lick 40-weight motor oil off a porcupine with hiccups than risk being cringed at when the towel drops.

Why do you think we married you to begin with? Okay, well, we do love you. We'll give you that...But we got married so we could stop dating. We got married so someone would love us as we are and accept us, and so we wouldn't have to worry about being rejected anymore.

So if you seriously believe, for one minute, that we'd fool around with someone other than you? You need to lay off the Rogaine because it has seeped through your scalp and fried your cerebral cortex.

Now, you need to go apologize to your wife. It doesn't matter that she won't know why you're apologizing...I guarantee she's been waiting for an apology for something for several years.

Signed on behalf of The Women


Editors Note: Lately, I've talked to several women who have had the "unfaithful" conversation with their husbands. It's like a virus going around. Finally, one of them said to me, "Doesn't he know I'd never let ANYONE see me naked?"... and it all became clear. That says it all.

5 comments:

Comet Girl said...

AAAAAAA-Men!

Mejis said...

Love the post! I have one of those idiot men at home. lol

Country Girl said...

I'd never let anyone except the man who helped get me INTO this shape see me...even partially unclothed. And that's what made the conversation so funny....no...HILARIOUS. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? Having said that, we have to keep in mind that in THEIR minds? We are married to absolute Adonis's. Johnny Depp steps into my SHOWER every morning. Cary Grant farts at the coffee pot every morning. James Bond trims his mustache all over the bathroom vanity. George Clooney chews with his mouth open at my dinner table. It's all in the perception ;)

Cartoon Characters said...

I'm f%@#d. My new MD I went to see today looks exactly like Johnny Depp.

:(

I swear I will NEVER have another pap done.

Cherylann said...

I love this! I need to send a copy to my hubbie. Thank you for saying what we all were thinking