06 September 2011

Train Wreck Waiting to Happen

This is too long to text to CG1 and too random not to share.

So, big news, two weeks ago I had the last remnants of my nonfunctional girl plumbing removed. By force. I hung on to those parts for as long as possible, but in the end, we had to call in very expensive plumbers to rip out the pipes.

Such a removal results in one of two scenarios: You grow a mustache and stop sleeping or you get whore-moan replacement. Guess which one I picked. (Hint: facial hair makes me squeamish. Even on him.)

Today I went to - I shit you not - The Pellet Center. I felt like a Grizzly volunteering to be tagged. (CG1 has been threatening to have me pelletized for years. Well, sister, Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday - it finally happened).

They take me into the little room, I joke with the nurse about growing a mustache, she weighs me, I do a dance because I've lost five pounds, and then the (female) doctor walks in and it's all business. Until....

Doc: (blood work results in hand) Wow! It's a good thing you got in here today because you are a trainwreck waiting to happen.
Me: I beg your pardon?
Doc: Your readings are (direct quote) a crazy mess. How are you dealing with your symptoms? Are you sleeping? Are you depressed, anxious, irritable, flushed?
Me: Nope. I was just telling your nurse that I'm amazed I don't feel any different than I did before the surgery.
Doc: (nodding, knowingly) Because you felt so bad before the surgery.
Me: No, except for the pain, I would never have known anything was wrong.
Doc: (confused) You feel no different than you did two weeks ago?
Me: I don't feel any different than I did 10 years ago.
Doc: (blatantly skeptical, not even trying to hide it) It is not possible that you feel no different than you did before. Your levels...are a mess. You need help.
Me: So maybe that's why I'm such a bitch?
Doctor has nothing to say to that.

Memo from the Greek chorus: It is never wise to use an expletive in front of people you don't know when in a very conservative, small, conservative, close-knit, conservative community. People might get the wrong impression about you. Fuck people.

Me: So what you're telling me is that what is 'normal' to me, is actually completely screwed up.
Doc: That seems to be the case, but don't you worry. We're going to get you fixed up.
Me: Not to be disrespectful or...weird...but you aren't going to make me....nice...are you?
Doctor looks at me.
Me: I don't really trust nice people. I wouldn't know what to do if I was nice.
Doctor looks at me, nurse is about to tinkle herself laughing.
Me: I'd rather have the mustache.
Doc: Pull down your pants.

3 comments:

Country Girl said...

Choosing my words VERY carefully here but...the pellet doesn't make you anything you're not. It just makes what you have better, or what's wrong go away. The better part? Libido ;-) The wrong part? Hot flashes that alter your life. Other than that? My money's on you...permanently ;)

Tom said...

I HAVE the mustache, the lack of girl plumbing, I don't really trust people and I'm not on any kind of pellets. I'm just sayin.

Comet Girl said...

Sorry bout your girl parts but I can say, I LOVE my pellets! Even better, my hubby loves my pellets. As far as making you nice and not cuss at inappropriate times, how long ago was "GD sermon on the mount"? 10 years? Your levels had to have been fine then so it stands to reason your meanness goes WAY deeper than hormones! Love you!