25 November 2008

Let the people SPEAK!

I think it's time for an uprising about things that don't work. Things that have their own infomercials and that I run out and buy so that said product can transform my life and then I get home and...well, shit. That was a wasted $19.95. Again.

Gorilla Glue. Now I'll give you it's a decent glue but...I've had old boyfriends who stuck better than this stuff does once it gets cold. I glued a refrigerator bar...the kind that holds up one side of the vegetable bin...and the bin fell out the next day. I also glued two parts of the bottom of TBB's grandmother's dining room table and EVERY time you move that table, it comes unglued. In spite of the bungee cord I have tightly wrapped around the joint. Go figure. Maybe I need duct tape.

Spray bottles of cleaning stuff, that don't last through the refill bottle. How hard can it be to make a spray bottle? But I'm keeping a list of those products because... Clorox Clean-up is $4 a bottle and if I'm going to pay that, then...that bottle needs to keep spraying. Especially in this house, where we go through a bottle of CCU a week. Come to think of it, the 409 sprayer gave out too.

That slicer/dicer box-thing my dad bought off late night television? It is a wonderful product and I love it. Just about every day. But it is cracked and split and the only thing holding it together? Rubber bands because we all know the GORILLA GLUE ain't holding.

Erin over at OutOfCharacter talked me out of the...ShaZaams? Is that right? No, SHAM WOW. It's ShamWow. She stood there, watched the demo, paid her $19.95 and when she got home? No go. Thankfully, I've still got that cash because then there's...

Space Bags! Now, this is another product I really do love but they left out the part about...the bags have the texture of wet paper towels. And sure, you put in all that stuff and suck out the air and there's this tight, small little package and then...oooops! It was under the bed and you were pushing it out of the way so that you could pull out the OTHER Space Bag that has the only party sweater you can still get into and...the corner of one SB ripped a hole in the other SB. I'm not making that up. Having said that, if I had a big empty shelf somewhere so I could just stack them, there wouldn't be a problem. (If I had a big empty shelf somewhere, I wouldn't NEED the SB's.)

I've never tried Ginsu knives and I kind of think that's an age thing because I don't remember seeing any ads lately. In the last 30 years. Maybe they worked and so no one ever needed new knives. It could happen.

But in the meantime, since Linens 'n Things is going out of business, I've got to run down there and get me some of that squishy stuff...you know, the two colors of play-doh looking stuff that you rub together and then it holds up...the roof? Surely if I just lay out my cash I can come home and...mend the planet. Fix the government. Repair the hole in the ozone. Stop the rupture of cash from AIG. Figure out a new way to construct cars so that The Big Three doesn't go bankrupt. (Don't go bankrupt individually? Doesn't as a single entity?)

Fix this puppy crate?

5 comments:

Amblus said...

I am so with you on the spray bottles because that shit is wack. I got really angry last week because it would only spray if I held the bottle at a very specific angle. Any deviation of this angle resulted in...nothing. Gar.

And please forgive me but you might want to add your font to the list because dude, what is up with the 5 point font? It hurts me, but I still read because I care.

Melissa said...

Oh yeah...glad to hear that I'm not the only one with space bag issues.

JB Weld is awesome though. Paul Harvey says so. :)

But I CAN tell you that the Greenbags do work. I did an experiment. :)

City Girl said...

Okay, you villagers get pitchforks and torches and I'll get a commercial-size bottle of KaPOW!

We'll go to Billy Mays' house, soak him in KaPOW! and burn him at the stake.

You know...in protest. No?

Re: The Font. I don't know what the hell happens when CG1 posts from her account. Sometimes I can go in and resize the font, and sometimes not. Another frustrating "feature" courtesy of Blogger. Have I mentioned TypePad recently?......

Country Girl said...

Not only does Blogger assign the font at will, it decides where I get paragraphs. And where I DON'T get paragraphs. Aaargh.

Amblus said...

I figured it was probably a stupid Blogger issue, but it looks good right this second!