Keeping in mind I failed Math 100 THREE times...

...at this point in time, it's working for me.

Took my kids to the beach a couple of weeks ago and they were all three there. Nicest vacation in I can't remember. When we made our grocery store run when we got there...they had these inner tubes. Floats. BIG round brightly colored circles...for $6.99. Cool beans! We'll float on them a day or so, they'll get holes and we'll throw them away! I LOVE me some vacation!

Problem is, The Big Kid is of drinking age. Which means, every day we rented those loungers with the umbrellas and after we'd had a seafood lunch with lots of cold beer, we'd go to the beach and she and I would sit there under the umbrella and watch The Little Kids swim. And drink more cold beer. For some reason, at the beach? Cold beer goes down faster. So long about the fourth day, sometime in the afternoon, I decided I could ride that float in. I mean...how hard can it be? You go out a ways, climb up on the float, a wave comes in and you gently surge to shore. Right?

I don't do sun. I don't do sand. I don't do heat. Obviously, I shouldn't do BEER at the beach.

The first day? I nearly killed myself. Not ONE time did I come gracefully wafting in to the sand...I rolled in hindend over tea kettle every time. The Not Nice Kid was wonderful...she upended me every time. Fished me out, cleaned the sand out of my ears and pointed me seaward again. The Big Kid and The Nice Kid shared the other float. We had a BLAST. We laughed ourselves silly.

The next morning, I couldn't get out of bed. I found my arthritis medicine and took it with my coffee. With a shot of bourbon. Thirty minutes later I hobbled to the shower and stood my aching bones under the water and eventually the water and the bourbon (first time water helped WITHOUT being mixed in the bourbon) eased things up a bit and we piddled around and then...went out to lunch. Fresh seafood. Cold beer. Cool waiter. All my kids. Seems to be a pattern here.

And then I went out to the beach again. With a cooler.

As of today...here's the total on those cheap floaties that got me into the ocean (with all my belongings in my pockets) for the first time in 15 years:

Floaties...$13

EnV2 replacement...$280

Activating an old phone to get us home...$25

Cheap sunglasses...$12

Cool flipflops with dangles...$30

Activating the new phone...$25

That vacation with my kids? PRICELESS.

I hope you realize what it took for me to post that picture. At least all the strangers on the beach will never SEE me again! And those damn floats? We deflated them and brought them home. Hopefully, my friend's POOL won't prove as dangerous.