09 February 2010

Oh. Yeah. That slacker Blogger thing...

...and the "thing" is...you don't post? It's because there is SO much great material.

ONE of the episodes during the past month or so involves...hormones. If you are a female? Listen and learn. If you are a male, involved in ANY way with a female? Listen and learn. This is in your best interest and if you don't know this now, you will. "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy," is NOT just a cute monogram on a handtowel. You mess with me? The dryer won't just EAT your socks and underwear, it will dye them pink. I'm just sayin'.

Remember how, for years, insurance didn't pay for mammograms? It paid for ANY prostate diagnosis/treatment/stimulation deemed necessary by the MALE insurance board but...no mammograms. Several hundred million dollars later, someone did something and now...under duress...insurance will pay for breast cancer detection. Not done WILLINGLY, keep in mind, but...there's a chance The Bitch gets breast cancer? She won't be puttin' out on a regular basis so the male power-that-be agreed to pay for mammograms. If we checked, I'd be willing to bet that somewhere in there is a clause that swaps a certain number of b**wj*bs for mammograms but...that's just a guess.

ANYWAY. Let's see...two years ago I had a total hysterectomy which means...they cleaned it out. Took everything. As a LONGterm infertility patient I was a walking cancer potential so...take it out. Can't use it and it's only going to kill you so...move on. I did. To be honest, I was sort of hoping that removing that tissue would cause my stomach to sink it. I was wrong.

EXCEPT, some of that stuff was still functioning and as it turns out...I was using it. It's one of those situations where...you don't know you need it 'til it's gone. And what happened was...

...hot flashes. Drenching, shower-causing, soak your ass to the BONE...hot flashes. Not at night, like most people get them, but in the daytime. Usually, about five minutes after I'd spent 20 minutes putting on makeup, which promptly proceded to melt down my face. I would get up and leave places and events because I could not BREATHE and it was so hot I couldn't bear it.

Tried the "cures." Clear patches you stick on your skin on your belly fat, which you HAVE because you had a hysterectomy. They worked okay but when you took them off they left a black gummy residue, which I had to scrub off with nail polish remover. Which took off the skin, which then blistered. THEN I tried this...horn-looking thing. Pearly white plastic contraption about four inches tall, with a round thing like the speaker on the old RCA gramaphones. You squirted it onto your forearm...two squirts if you could get by with that, three if you needed more. I never DID figure out how much it cost, because I used the coupon the doctor gave me with my insurance card but I think that thing ran about $200 a month.

Not only was it not the greatest drug I ever tried ;), you had to remember to use it. Now, I know that doesn't sound like a big deal but...it was. I can take my vitamins, but for some reason I never could get used to squirting my forearm after my shower every day. And it didn't work that well anyway.

And then...and THEN...my sister got a pellet in her butt. NOT from a hunting accident, but a doctor-implanted hormone pellet, inserted under the skin on your hip. She RAVED. She LOVES it. She slept through the night, she had energy and...she didn't have to remember to take or squirt anything. Problem solved.

Except when I asked MY doctor for it, he was still on the fence. I brought it up end of summer last year, and he explained why he wasn't sure about the treatment...but then promised he was attending an educational seminar in November and he'd decide after he had all the facts. Went to the seminar, listened to the reviews and...he was in. Gave up birthing babies and took up shooting pellets into butts.

So I got my appointment.

DID YOU KNOW that insurance...in my case, Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Alabama, WILL NOT PAY FOR THESE PELLETS? Won't do it. (I intended to put a link here to contact the physician with BCBS who made this decision, but we don't have it yet. I'll get back to you when I find it.)

According the this bastion of healthcare...it's "experimental treatment." This is one of those things where...other countries have been using it for decades but...the FDA is looking out for me. Protecting my health. Listening to the drug companies.

The kicker? BCBS WILL PAY FOR VIAGRA. The entire country is about to be congested with men running around with hard-ons in their hands and...NO ONE TO GIVE A SHIT!!!!!!!!! Hormones and medication for erections but...we're not assisting the women involved. Just lay down and spread 'em. Doesn't cost anything. Good for you, buddy but...keep that thing to yourself!!

I did, however, fork over the $280 for the pellet and it was worth every penny. Lasts three to four months and then you do it again. You do NOT, however, have to figure out how to use a patch twice a week (There are seven days in a week. Two patches a week. That means what? Three days, then four days? Split that seventh day? Keep up with this HOW?) You do NOT have to have a lotionless forearm, fresh from the shower, hanging in the wind for a couple of minutes while the spray dries. IF you even remembered it.

I did go to pills, at the end before the pellet. They work. They also cause breast cancer but...GLORY BE!!!!! Blue Cross/Blue Shield will pay for mammograms!!!! It loves me! It loves women!!!

It doesn't pay for the hormone pellet. You get the chance? Bitch about this to someone. I'd appreciate it.

1 comment:

City Girl said...

My OBGYN is going to have to pry my ovaries from my clutched, gnarled fists. Don't want no hormone replacements!!!