19 October 2011

Sometimes things just work out...

...and sometimes you should have stayed in bed.

I am...not sure what the word is. Not minimalist, but that's close. Not purist, by any stretch of the imagination but...when it comes to cooking, I tend to stay with basic ingredients and do the mixing and blending myself...there's a word. Somewhere. (Different post in here. City Girl and I were just talking about...where the words went.)

Not to say I'm averse to short cuts...my most famous and requested recipe has a cake mix and a box of jello in it. And I've already carried on about the frozen biscuits in a bag....they are some good eatin'.

But what in the world possessed me...I am clueless. Totally lost my mind tonight. Have you found Pinterest? If you haven't, well...to paraphrase City Girl...it's "cybercrack." At first I couldn't figure out the draw but once I realized it doesn't jive with AOL (I know! I know!) and started exploring in Gmail, I was hooked. ALL the best ideas I'll never do but still...just looking and dreaming makes for points. Right? Jewels in my crown?

And right there, posted by otherwise sane, talented and knowledgeable people, was a recipe I've been seeing for years. Apple Dumplings. Apple slices, rolled in pastry and baked. Old favorite, I'm sure. EXCEPT...this recipe...and as I said, I've been seeing it for years, called for crescent roll dough and...

...brace yourself...

Mountain Dew. Mtn Dew. The yellow stuff in a bottle. Mountain Dew.

I have no idea what the hell I was thinking. I don't eat sweets. I seldom cook them. There was a great pot of chili on the stove, I had all the extras. Good crackers. APPLES IN MOUNTAIN DEW??? That doesn't even sound like me. But I tried it anyway.

Y'all...this may be the nastiest stuff I have ever seen in my life. You cut the apple into eighths, wrap each slice in crescent roll dough and line them up in a baking dish. Pour TWO STICKS of melted butter with 1-1/2 CUPS sugar over the little packages and then...as if there wasn't enough sin in that pan already, you pour 12 ounces of Mountain Dew over it. And bake it.

AND THEN, you're supposed to serve it with a scoop of ice cream!!

I fixed a dish for The Not Nice Kid. She said it was nasty, but she ate the entire dish. If The Nice Kid has tasted it, I didn't hear. I finally took a fork and picked off a piece of the pastry.

Never in my life have I tasted so much vile sweetness in one place. It might not actually be that bad, underneath the sweet, but I have no idea how you're supposed to get past the sugar. Y'all? I cannot understand normal people deliberately sitting down and eating such...

Usually I'd send the leftovers to someone...the neighbors, my sister, the teachers. This stuff? I'm kind of thinking there might be divine retribution for...well, I'm still sort of worried about having to answer to the Cooking Gods about the Mountain Dew. I know the dogs don't need it, and the hummingbirds have already headed south. This may actually make it to the garbage disposal.

If blogs had color, this one would be red. I am THAT embarrassed. Justifiably so...MOUNTAIN DEW.

I think I'll skulk away now....

3 comments:

City Girl said...

1. You used crescent rolls and Mountain Dew? You, who makes the best from-scratch yeast rolls I've ever tasted?...I've just lost faith in humanity.
2. I, who am NOT a master (mistress?) baker have a recipe for gingerbread apple cobbler that uses boxed gingerbread cake mix and apple pie filling. I bought both ingredients last weekend and you just inspired me to take the leap. Hell, it can't be any worse than this sounds.
3. Font fixed. :o)

Country Girl said...

You're so useful ;-) And no, it cannot be worse. This stuff is an abomination.

Country Girl said...

It's not "skulk." It's "slink."