Mariah Stewart

It has occured to me that I am completely boring, and I'm not happy about it.

I haven't always been as dull as tapioca, and I don't even know exactly how I got here. What happens to people when they hit middle age? And why aren't there any cool middle-age hobbies?

When I was younger - like, 10-20 years younger - I did cool things without even trying. Boating every weekend, parties on the beach, extravagant cocktail parties, lots of opportunities to dress up and cut loose. I watched more sports live than on television. I went to concerts, comedy clubs, JAZZ clubs for God's sake, line danced and attended protests (yes, gentle reader, I marched for dolphin-free tuna). I campaigned for cutting-edge (losing) political candidates.

So what the Hell happened?

How many women reach a certain age and think, "Do I HAVE to knit?"

At what point do we stop wanting to be Mariah Carey and start wanting to be like Martha Stewart? Isn't that sad? And more than a little frightening?

Maybe it's not me. Maybe it's the change of scenery. Jazz clubs, over-the-top parties and good concerts are not as easy to come by in northern Alabama as they were in my last place of residence. There's a lot to do here. It's just... different.

Or maybe it is me. I'd look like an idiot at 40 years of age doing most of the things I did at 25. The Hubster and I could still line dance if the one country bar in town was not quite so scary. We could THROW a fabulous party (if only we weren't so very tired) and we could drive to Nashville for a concert. But we don't. Instead we get really excited when new baby birds come to the feeder in the back yard. And we practically fight each other over the binoculars when a squirrel who we thought was near death, comes up on the porch to eat peanuts we've left for her.

Now instead of boating (which is spectacularly difficult to do without an actual boat) we go for car rides. Well, we used to go for car rides until gas got so expensive.

Or maybe it's that with age comes responsibility: a house, maybe a rental, a yard or two to keep in order, weeds to fight, doors to paint, nicer cars to take care of. All that maintenance eats into the time you used to spend at NFL games, and could now spend at local college games.

Now that I'm thinking of it, if anything ever happened to The Hubster (God forbid, knock wood, thew-thew) and I turned to Match.com to find some company, I'd have nothing to enter into the "Hobbies" category. I don't think there's anything listed under my profile here, either. Knitting? I really like to knit, actually, but never have time. I garden and love to cook. I keep a very tidy house. I love politics and baseball, football and golf, and I read whenever I have free time. I'm crazy for history and have recently taken up genealogy. Wow. How exciting is that? If it wasn't for the tidy house and cooking, I doubt I'd get many takers.

I seriously believe I've stumbled upon the seed, the germ, of all mid-life crises. "My God! I'm old and dull! I need a toupe, convertable and trophy wife to make me feel young again."

Except for the minor detail that I'm a woman. So what do we do? Trade in our Ralph Lauren for Wet Seal (see "I'd look like an idiot" above) and start taking salsa lessons?

I don't know. For once I am completely stumped. What do you think?