Time to Clean the Filter

This is definitely NC-17, so, Pariss, stop reading right here.

I'm SERIOUS, young lady.

Stop. STOP.

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I am not bragging, y'all, believe me. This is for your entertainment, only.

The following are things that have actually left my mouth lately:

During a heated post-work discussion with a coworker regarding my regard for the modern incarnations of Doctor Who:

Him - "You're probably one of those people who hates the new Doctor Who."
Me - "I LOVE the new Doctor Who! Well, not the NEW Doctor Who, but that's because he's only 14 years old."
Him - "No, you probably think the 1970s Doctors were the best."
Me - "I'm telling you that I would BLOW David Tennant in the middle of this restaurant. I LOVE THE NEW DOCTOR WHOs!"

The new girl from Graphics was wide-eyed and speechless. Nice. Nicely handled, CG.

After a little, smug, Spicoli-wannabe, punk, stoner at Radio Shack CHASTISED me for buying my last power cord at Best Buy and explained to me like I'm four-years-old that if I'd purchased that cord at RADIO SHACK, and if I'd also purchased the extended warranty, he be replacing it for me at no cost:

"That's a lot of 'ifs', Junior. And just for that, I'm not only not buying the cord here, (turning to speak to the video surveillance camera) I'm never coming back, Douchebags."

At a point during the regular lunch conversation/debate when I'd usually say, "yeah, yeah...if 'ifs' and 'buts' were fruits and nuts, every day would be Christmas," I instead was inspired to say:

"If 'ifs' and 'buts' were dicks and nuts, we'd all be making a hell of a lot more money."

That one even stopped me cold. Jeesh.

Time to take my mouth in for the 40,000 mile filter maintenance, I think.