Dateline: Plainesville, Oklahoma
Accused needlewoman Lisa Joan Floyd made her first official statement today. It was read by her defense attorney outside the Plaine County Courthouse.
"I am being persecuted because of my hobby. God and the Constitution of this exceptional nation give me the right to pursue happiness. You may not like the fact that hand-knit ombre infinity scarves and perfect balls of fingering weight Shetland wool are my happiness, but that does not diminish my right to it.
I defy this court, this county, and this country to try to tread on rights established by the very founders of this exceptional nation. It is not illegal to knit in public. It is not illegal - yet - to stockpile more yarn than a person could use in a lifetime even if she spent 25 hours a day stockinette stitching on U.S. size 14 needles. Despite the ignorant tirades of pundits and so-called lifestyle journalists it is not dangerous or irresponsible to pursue fiber art in the privacy of one's home or to teach one's children the skill.
This exceptional nation has a long history of textile handcrafts. It is this practice that clothed the pilgrims and today millions of Americans knit to keep their families warm. We are exceptional! We have rights!
Finally, I did not shove a crochet coin bag filled with raw wool down the exposed throat of my snoring husband, nor can it be proved that I am part of the darknet Merino Militia. It was the apnea that got him in the end. God rest his soul. I warned him not to fall asleep on the sofa without his CPAP. If anyone is to blame for Frank's death, it is the local news anchor who must have droned my poor husband into breathless unconsciousness. Besides, I don't even like crochet."
Following the statement Floyd's attorney declined to accept questions from assembled members of the media.
Editorial Note: In fact it is the Declaration of Independence which provides three examples of unalienable rights including life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness as gifted by a creator and which governments are established to protect. These rights are not guaranteed in the U.S. Constitution although current political forces seek to add them to the Bill of Rights. A bill which the original Federalists - the first political party of the United States - argued the Constitution did not need. Unfortunately Alexander Hamilton and James Madison did not have the combined star power or respiratory capacity to shout down Thomas "Put it All In Writing So It Can Be Grossly Twisted By Future Generations" Jefferson.
The Twittersphere responded predictably. Select Tweets are presented below.
"Your rights end where mine begin, lady. Your pursuit of happiness ends when it threatens my life. 1/2"
"Assuming I had a wife who could knit. And who wanted to kill me. I am so alone. #trollsneedlovetoo 2/2"
"Stay strong! Rally to support fully-automatic machine knitting planned tomorrow night! #needles_out #freefloyd #merinomilitia"
"You'll have to pry my stitch gauge from my cold, dead hands, socialist pigs! #becauseican'tcarryaloom #ifyou'renotgettingarashyou'renotusingmohair"
Accused needlewoman Lisa Joan Floyd made her first official statement today. It was read by her defense attorney outside the Plaine County Courthouse.
"I am being persecuted because of my hobby. God and the Constitution of this exceptional nation give me the right to pursue happiness. You may not like the fact that hand-knit ombre infinity scarves and perfect balls of fingering weight Shetland wool are my happiness, but that does not diminish my right to it.
I defy this court, this county, and this country to try to tread on rights established by the very founders of this exceptional nation. It is not illegal to knit in public. It is not illegal - yet - to stockpile more yarn than a person could use in a lifetime even if she spent 25 hours a day stockinette stitching on U.S. size 14 needles. Despite the ignorant tirades of pundits and so-called lifestyle journalists it is not dangerous or irresponsible to pursue fiber art in the privacy of one's home or to teach one's children the skill.
This exceptional nation has a long history of textile handcrafts. It is this practice that clothed the pilgrims and today millions of Americans knit to keep their families warm. We are exceptional! We have rights!
Finally, I did not shove a crochet coin bag filled with raw wool down the exposed throat of my snoring husband, nor can it be proved that I am part of the darknet Merino Militia. It was the apnea that got him in the end. God rest his soul. I warned him not to fall asleep on the sofa without his CPAP. If anyone is to blame for Frank's death, it is the local news anchor who must have droned my poor husband into breathless unconsciousness. Besides, I don't even like crochet."
Following the statement Floyd's attorney declined to accept questions from assembled members of the media.
Editorial Note: In fact it is the Declaration of Independence which provides three examples of unalienable rights including life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness as gifted by a creator and which governments are established to protect. These rights are not guaranteed in the U.S. Constitution although current political forces seek to add them to the Bill of Rights. A bill which the original Federalists - the first political party of the United States - argued the Constitution did not need. Unfortunately Alexander Hamilton and James Madison did not have the combined star power or respiratory capacity to shout down Thomas "Put it All In Writing So It Can Be Grossly Twisted By Future Generations" Jefferson.
The Twittersphere responded predictably. Select Tweets are presented below.
"Your rights end where mine begin, lady. Your pursuit of happiness ends when it threatens my life. 1/2"
"Assuming I had a wife who could knit. And who wanted to kill me. I am so alone. #trollsneedlovetoo 2/2"
"Stay strong! Rally to support fully-automatic machine knitting planned tomorrow night! #needles_out #freefloyd #merinomilitia"
"You'll have to pry my stitch gauge from my cold, dead hands, socialist pigs! #becauseican'tcarryaloom #ifyou'renotgettingarashyou'renotusingmohair"
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