The Devil Wears No. 7

Animal lovers everywhere (they’ve elected me to speak for them, btw) are not just completely disgusted by Michael Vick, they believe there is a special place in hell for anyone who abuses animals. You get a middle seat in the Economy section of Hades lodged between a sweaty man with halitosis and a loud woman on a cell phone with a shrieking toddler (full diaper) on her knee. Oh, and there’s no drink service. So he, Michael Vick, will be well taken care of in the hereafter.

The problem is the here and now. A $250,000 fine? You’re shitting me. The guy signed a $130M contract two years ago. If fines are meant to deter, how about setting them at a percentage of income? Picture a sliding scale. If you reported $40K in income last year, and are charged with animal cruelty – a 40% fine – you pay $16,000. If you earned $21M last year you owe $8.4 million. That’s a deterrent.

And sentencing is a joke - Vick might get 12-18 months. But if that’s the way it’s going to be then the quality of time served should fit the crime. Say you're convicted of stealing and get 30 days. On every one of those days each time you are handed something – a toothbrush, a prison jumper, a chicken pot pie – it will be stolen from you. Doesn't feel so good does it?

In Michael Vick’s case on each day of his incarceration a rescued animal, equal to his size, shall at the dinner hour be lead into his cell/cage where it will find the prisoner stripped naked and smeared with raw chicken livers (just to level the playing field - Vick does have opposable thumbs). In this case a bear will fit the bill. The bear and the prisoner are left in the cell/cage to duke it out until (30-60 seconds later) the prisoner is rendered unconscious, at which time the bear is lead away and Mr. Vick is left to lick his wounds.

Were you thinking of hurting another animal, Mr. Vick? I didn’t think so.


The draft of that post was written 36 hours ago. Since that time Michael Vick claims to have found Jesus. I'll bet he has. Well Jesus may forgive him, but when his time on Earth is over, I'm counting on St. Francis of Assisi to kick his ass.


City Girl said…
Well this is just wrong. Posts should be dated with the date they're ACTUALLY POSTED, not the date the draft was saved. Ugh.

The correct date of this post is Wednesday, August 29, 2007.
Country Girl said…
I have a yellow lab. So does everyone else this side of the Mississippi river. A couple of years ago I got an "anonymous" letter in my mailbox, from a guy down the road from me. Telling me that if I didn't keep my yellow lab and my black lab out of this guy's yard, he would kill them. Turns out, he raises fighting roosters...WHICH HE TRANSPORTS ACROSS STATE LINES...and someone's yellow lab and someone's black lab had been menacing his illegal livestock. Know how I know this? Law enforcement officer told me. But they're not going to do anything because the guy's not famous. Oh, and by the way. THEY WEREN'T MY DOGS.
Anonymous said…
The September 6 post on this blog

The Summer Adventures of Michael Vick, Final Episode: Jesus is damn funny.