Kid Nashun

If you are pregnant, plan to have children or have given birth so recently the ink is not yet dry on your precious babe’s birth certificate please seriously consider what I am about to say.

If you name your daughter Brandy, Amber, Candy, Angel or Tifni do not be surprised if as an adult she turns to stripping as a vocation. As a matter of fact, if you are going to burden your child with such a name, do her a favor and send her to dancing lessons from an early age – consider it an investment in her future.

Watching football this weekend I noticed an African-American player named Arian. Granted, it isn’t spelled Aryan, but what is his middle name? Nashun? This name would be bad enough if applied to a blonde-haired, blue-eyed baby, but for an African-American child it constitutes child abuse.

To the countless thoughtless mothers of every race, nationality and creed who fancy themselves clever by naming their offspring with Scrabble tiles: Braxlin, Evza, Islara and Zarek. What can I say? Do you not realize the irreparable psychological harm done to a child whose non-standard name does not appear on a Wal-Mart bicycle tag?

Even biblical names should be applied with care: Cain, Job and Judas are just not cool. Just because it’s in the bible does not make it okay. Berodachbaladan is a biblical name. Enoch is a lovely name for a donkey. Roni would be a fabulous name for a rooster - but please, not for a little person. I’m begging you! Stop the insanity! (Whatever happened to Susan Powter, anyway?)


Cometgirl said…
Well said, but please don't forget the "clever" parents who think an unconvential spelling of a perfectly normal name is the way to go. (i.e. Hayleigh, Kameron, Ashleigh, etc.) Susan Powter? I think she got fat again.
Country Girl said…
AHHHHHH! You are so right...Kaddee. What sort of person butchers an absolutely lovely name like Katie?
Anonymous said…
OK girls -- now really, don't tell me you don't like the names for twins like Lemonjello and Orangejello. Or for the Jewish kid I knew when I was growing up -- Sterling Silver. Or for the girl born on Christmas -- Holly Day.
All of those, including even Enoch, are more creative and appropriate than the worst one of all - when a mother took too darn long to come up with a name, they named her kid -- here's the phonetic version -- Fuh-molly -- how did they spell it? Female!
Country Girl said…
On a forwarded email today: Apryl. Someone's going to hell.