That Xmas thing

Did this little entertainment thing this morning, and City Girl announced I HAVE to tell about the No-Tree Dilemma. Only that's an experience in progress so here's the first part...this way I don't have to type this shit twice.

You know the drill. Don't be a "scrooge!"
And don't forget to send it back to me.

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? MY egg nog. And if you know me very well, you know it's over the top. And has raw eggs, too.

2. Does Santa wrap the presents or just sit them under the tree? He leaves them under the tree. And you know what I realized the other day? At some point in the not too distant future I will live, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, in a house where Santa doesn't visit. After nearly 27 years, this three o'clock in the morning shit is old.

3. Colored or white lights? I grew up with the fat colored ones. Switched to tiny white when that got fashionable and then about five years ago decided...I don't really LIKE white lights. So now we have fat colored ones. That will probably burn down the house. If we had a tree.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? This is a sore point. In Texas where the "trees" are four feet tall, mistletoe grows in these huge bunches and I had mistletoe WREATHS. Then I moved home and oh, IT'S NOT LIKE MY FAMILY OWNED ANY TREES OR ANYTHING, but the damn things are a little bit taller than four feet and I can't reach the mistletoe. Does the BROTHER in this family, THE ONE WHO HUNTS FIVE DAYS A WEEK?, bring me any mistletoe? He's the youngest child and only know, the second coming of Our Lord Jesus Christ. I'll let you guess.

Oh. The answer. No.

5. When do you put your decorations up? Usually the weekend after Thanksgiving because I have help. This year, the other residents in this institution never could be bothered to lift a finger. (No lie, there are still two dirty dishes from Thanksgiving in the sink.) So as of today, we are not having a tree this year. I've got to caulk that pane that fell out of the window. After I take a chainsaw and cut down the overgrown shrubs in FRONT of the window and then get a ladder and take down the storm window. By myself. You want a tree? Better learn how to use a caulk gun.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Dumbass. It's the GLASS.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Actually, it's the first year my little brother (the non-Mistletoe Hunter) was old enough to have Santa...he was about two. He got a toy rifle, then when we went back to bed he crawled into my bed. With the toy rifle. There wasn't room.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? If you are 51 years old and that fat glutton (that's another thing...I have to FEED him, too!) has been in your house EVERY CHRISTMAS OF YOUR LIFE, it's pretty much a given that there's some serious karma there.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? We open presents at my parents Christmas Eve. At this house, Christmas morning. At B's parents, Christmas afternoon. If you had to have that much family fun and you were a member of THIS family, you wouldn't remember your gifts, either. We drink as an entity.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? With an ornament in one hand and a champagne glass in the other. Little trick I learned from an ex-friend, and it really DOES make the entire procedure a lovely party. Only, THAT'S A MOOT POINT THIS YEAR.

11. Snow: Love it or hate it? How would we know? The Big Kid remembers the last big snow...that would be...20? 21?...years ago. The Little Ones think that dusting that melts by 11 o'clock is snow.

12. Can you ice skate? Surely you jest. My Big Kid can...used to skate competitions in Nashville. I can sew costumes and drink from a flask on the sidelines.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? I can't remember ANY gift. B bought me my first citrine...I have a lovely set of 30-50 carat stones that I never go anywhere to wear...but I can't remember if it was Christmas or not. Boy, now THAT girl's got spirit.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Not running out of liquor between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day. I'm sticking with this one.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Hellooo! I don't DO desserts. No inclination toward sweet whatsoever. I do have a cup of boiled custard because if your family has been hiding in the hills of Tennessee, direct route from Scotland and Ireland, since the 1700' do boiled custard. Couldn't afford coconut. (True great-grandmother used to take a tin can, remove one end and then poke holes in the other with a nail and grate coconut on that. No such thing as a grater on the Shawnee T.)

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Not having to drive across Shoals Creek Bridge four times a day.

17. What is on top of your tree? A nightstand...remember, that tree's in the attic and I'M not bringing it down.

18. Which do you like best giving or receiving? Depends on if I have to be on top or not.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? Okay, this one's not funny. When Aaron Neville sings Oh, Holy Night, I get religion. That is the most beautiful song I've ever heard.

20. Do you like candy canes? Don't remember her, either. We quit watching those movies when the kids got old enough to work the VCR.