So, WHY did they give me two forks?

We used to go to the beach a couple of times a year but I don't do the beach in the heat so we narrowed it down.

Then Katrina hit and we missed two years. But the LAST time we went, someone broke into my house.

The Child From The Defective Gene Pool was staying here and when she got home about 1 a.m., the doors were open and there were a couple of televisions gone.

Turns out, during the home invasion the woman next door CAME HOME and when she went into her house and told her sleeping 350-pound husband, "Someone's breaking into Amy's house," HE said, "What do you want ME to do about it?"

And then they went to bed.

But she sufficiently scared the intruders and they left with goods loaded. So.
This weekend we moved into a local four-star hotel. The Griswalds do room service. If you have children then you doesn't matter if you book them into the Plaza in NYC or the Radisson in Columbus Ms, the only thing they want to know is..."Does it have a pool?" And since THIS mother wouldn't be caught dead in a public pool at ANY TIME, the dad here handles this. So, we checked into a pool for the weekend.

Cell phone rings Sunday morning. It's the lady across the street from my house...the lady who hates her 10-year-old grandson (whom she only sees once a year) because he tumbles up the covers as he sleeps. Just like her daughter, his dead mother. There has to be a history here.

Turns out, at THREE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING, they wake up to flashing blue lights. In MY driveway. Look out, and there are TWO law enforcement vehicles sitting in my driveway. And a strange black car. Damn, THAT sounds interesting. So they wander around in their robes for a little while and in the course of the next hour, a wrecker shows up. And one police car leaves. And the wrecker hooks up to the black car and it leaves. And the other police car leaves. And all is quiet.

So when the neighbor calls me, I call the sheriff's department...we only have two possible law enforcement entities out here and it's either the sheriff or the state troopers. Got a rather rude and abrupt female on the line, explained my dilemma and gave her my address and...nothing. They never heard of the place. When I asked if maybe I should call the trooper's office I was informed, and I quote, "If you want to."

Well. That handles that.

Turns out nothing was missing and everything is okay but...WAIT!

I had a motion-sensitive light on my detached garage. And it "irritated" the 350-pound asshole next door so, unbeknownst to me, he unscrewed the bulbs. Which got moisture in them and the fixture...died. About three weeks ago, I got a ladder. And a new light fixture. And my tool bag. And I spend most of an afternoon removing the old fixture and installing a new one. None of the old parts fit the new parts and I had to make two trips to the hardware store but...I have a brand new, really cool, functional motion detector light.

Guess what happened? Someone who had been drinking too much got flagged by law enforcement. And decided to make a run for it. So they took off down this country road, hung a sharp right onto another country road and whipped into the first driveway and turned off their lights. AND MY MOTION-DETECTION LIGHT WENT OFF and the cops pulled onto the (dead end) street. And there sat that black car. Under the lights.