You don't WANT me there!

Well, let me tell you...I am bumfuzzled. Absolutely, positively...CONFUSED. You know what came in MY mailbox yesterday? Totally unsolicitated? Jury duty summons. With my name on it.
Now, I'm gonna tell you right up front...if you're an attorney, prosecuting or defense, you don't want me on your jury. I am USELESS when it comes to judging truthfulness or liability, (unless you're one of my kids and then I can NAIL you.) But out in the world? Gullible. Look it up in the picture is next to the definition.
I've seen me do it. That man is going to get up there and in all earnestness explain that "I was just lying on the couch taking a nap, with the baby asleep on my chest, when the bitch went CRAAAZY." And I will be sitting there nodding in sympathy...that poor man. Let him out of here RIGHT NOW, so he can get home and mow the grass and play with his kids.
Then the woman is gonna get up there. "Your honor, he been drinkin' for three days, lost all his paycheck in a poker game and there warn't no money for food and I was gonna take the baby and go to my mama's and then he just went WILD and grabbed the baby and told me he was gonna KILL me and the welfare would get the baby." And I'll be sitting there trying to figure if I can be over the guard rail and take him out with my keys before security can get to me. Mean SOB.
And then the attorneys will get up there and every time one of them talks, I'll change my mind again. Won't have a CLUE.
And THEN, it hit me...what am I supposed to do with my kids? They're in school all day but...I don't have anyone to pick them up more than one or two days a week. When I asked my mother this, she said "You just get someone to pick them up but I'm not doing it." I can send them to EDP, but that's $8 an hour and is anyone going to PAY for this? And when will their homework get done? Do Jury Duty Custodians take them to tennis?
They're gonna be standing out on the curb in the rain and guess what? DHR isn't going to have to look too hard to find me to take me into custody for child abandonment because...OH YEAH!!!
I'M AT THE COURTHOUSE. Saving America and probably letting the great criminal minds of the day back on the street.


City Girl said…
So what are the chances that I get called for jury duty for the first time ever, the same month you get called? The universe, she is weird, no?

Somebody told Hubster to show up for jury duty wearing a suit. Seems that attorneys on both sides don't dare much for people who appear to have brains in their heads.

Will break in my new interview suit at the courthouse tomorrow and report back to you.

Oh, BTW, don't call the courthouse and ask them if they have WiFi. They will laugh at you. Trust me.
Country Girl said…
A suit. OMG, let me catch my breath. In my wardrobe, a suit is when the sweatshirt matches the sweatpants! Guess I'll have to pull out the trusty funeral dress.