Good Morning, Officer Friendly

For three years I've taken the same route to work. Driven the same car, down the same road, through the same towns and counties and past the same damn speed traps.

I am careful. I use my cruise control to ensure my speed remains at a constant 4 mph over the speed limit - fast enough to gain some time over the course of a long haul, but slow enough so as not to make it worth anyone's time pulling me over.

Until today.

There is a hill, in a town, and midway down the hill the speed limit drops from 65 mph to 55 mph. I am mindful of this and I slow down as I approach the danger zone.

By the same token, in the morning, when I leave the 55 mph zone and head into 65 mph-land, I speed up to 68, hit "cruise" and sit back for a while.

This morning I was calling Hubster - to remind him I'd left breakfast in the fridge - as I hit "the sweet spot" where the limit increases to 65. I hit cruise, put down the phone, passed the State Trooper who is always sittinging at the top of the hill and BAM.

On came the blue lights.

That can't be for me. I'm only doing 4 mph over the speed limit.

He gets behind me.

Do I have a headlight out? No. The lights aren't on. He can't mean me.

Oh, but he did mean me. He followed me into a parking lot...and I got angry.

WTF? The Trooper in his Dodge Charger is SO bored he's going to pull people over for going FOUR miles per hour over the speed limit? I call bullshit.

Trooper walks up to the window.

I ask, "Are you pulling me over for going four mph over the limit?"

(After this I have to paraphrase because I went completely blind and deaf)

He looks at me.

"I know I wasn't speeding - I was using my cruise control."

"Oh, your cruise control. Is that what you were doing while you were on the phone?"

Well THAT pissed me off. Rare is the occasion that I see a cop NOT on his cell phone.

"I'm SORRY? Is it now illegal in Alabama to talk on the phone while driving?"

"License and registration."

"Wait a minute. Are you pulling me over for going three or four miles over the speed limit or for using the phone?"

"Ma'am, you were going faster than four miles over."

"No I wasn't. I KNOW I wasn't. I was using my cruise control. You must have caught someone else."
"Ma'am, would you LIKE to see the radar reading in my car?"

"Yes. Yes I would." I get out of the car. He starts laughing at me. I am SO pissed now, but remaining polite.
"Looky there, ma'am. It says 70 mph."
"So it does. Okay, so the radar says I was going FIVE miles an hour over. I'm here for FIVE miles?
"You admit you were doing 70?"

"No, I admit I was doing 68 or 69."
"You were doing 70 in a FIFTY FIVE zone."
"No I wasn't! It's 65! There's a sign!" He's laughing at me again.
"No, headed west it is 65 mph...headed east it is 55 mph until you pass the high school."
"Are you telling me that the same stretch of road has two different speed limits, depending on which side of the street you're standing on?"
"You'll have to take that up with the DOT." He's laughing at me again. I get back into the car.


He gives me the ticket and asks, "Were your first words to me, 'Is it illegal to go four mph over the speed limit?'"

"No. My first words were, 'Are you pulling me over for four miles per hour?' THEN I asked if it was illegal in Alabama to use a cell phone." He laughs again.

"Have a nice day, ma'am." More laughing.

Bastard! Don't LAUGH at me! Give me the damn ticket - I owned up to breaking the freaking law by four miles per hour - but don't LAUGH at me!

Have you EVER heard of a road being two different speeds depending on which direction you're traveling?! Apparently I NEED to go to Dumb Drivers School because I had NO CLUE.


Dory said…
He needs a swift kick in the nutsack.