In which we wish we had a copy of the Mary Tyler Moore Show with Chuckles the clown

My cousin emailed me this morning to remind me to come get the fig tree she has for me, before it totally roots into the ground through the bottom of the pot. Then she asked if I'm going to the herb class someone is teaching today and I had to explain that no, I have too much to do.

Walked my four miles then got my raised bed built and filled this morning, because I'm going to have to start growing lettuce in order to keep up with what these kids eat. Then there's an orthodontist appointment and soccer practice and Oh! yeah.

I have to go to the grocery and liquor store for another cousin, the alcoholic.

Y'all, I am SO busted over this when his sister or my mother find out but I have been snickering to myself all morning. This is, I suspect, what they call "black humor," but you have to admit...sometimes things just get sideways.

My cousin, Bill, was the very spoiled youngest child. Had it all. Blew it all. I know he's been married three times; there might have been another one or two while I wasn't living here. He had a PGA card at one time, but in his 20's he developed this three-part-name muscular disease and he's had the shakes for as long as I can remember. He's a bad alcoholic, which runs in that side of the family...last Christmas The Not Nice Kid had downed half the bottle of Gatorade he brought before we realized...THAT'S NOT GATORADE! I suspect she knew that. Being eight years old and all.

Five years ago he stepped down off a boat, twisted his ankle and broke his leg. Developed a staph infection, had three heart attacks and they had to cut his leg off.

Last month he started chemo for prostate cancer. He's only in his mid-50's.

So my point, and my sister the nurse agrees with me, is that.....what? He doesn't need a drink because IT MIGHT KILL HIM? I mean, what's a one-legged man gonna do? Get in a fight and KICK SOMEONE'S ASS? Get pissed off and STOMP OUT OF THE ROOM? Have to be dragged KICKING AND SCREAMING out of the bar?

The longer I sit here, the funnier this gets. Keeping in mind I'M not the one with cancer or MS or a missing limb, and no I don't mean "ha-ha" funny but...he says things, (he's the one who used "kicking and screaming") and you don't know whether to laugh or cry.

So I'm taking my cue from him, I'm laughing, and I'm buying him Scotch to make the story bearable.

But you gotta love it.."Kick someone's ass."


Melissa said…
I'm with you on this one. But that's because I'm sick and mean. :)

Alcohol is the least of his problems. Bottoms up!