Killin' snakes and puttin' out fires... paraphrase a friend.

The problem with unlimited blog fodder is that if you have it? You're either too sick or too busy to post. I spent ten hours last week thinking I was having a heart attack. I could have talked myself out of it if it hadn't been for the PAIN and the fact that TWO doctors agreed with me. And when the heart tests came back clean? They announced I must have a blood clot on my lungs.

Good grief.

I didn't, but one doctor and two hospital visits later, it was suggested the problem might be my gallbladder. I don't know anything ABOUT gallbladders big a deal can this be? I never heard of anyone DYING from gallbladderitis so...this, too, shall pass. I'll put on my big girl panties and exercise or drink lots of water or buy a pair of Dr. Scholl's and life will be good. I'm fairly competent when it comes to stuff like this. Or I used to be.

But then, I went online to check out the problem and do you know the FIRST thing that popped up? The VERY first thing?

Bacon. No bacon.

Controlling gallbladder issues with diet involves giving up bacon, and eating shredded beets. RAW shredded beets. More than once a day. I actually COULD eat shredded beets, if I had to. But giving up bacon?


Fuck that shit. They can HAVE this sucker.

It didn't help that the diet also involves...oh, other inconsequential things like NO ALCOHOL. Or spicy food. Come ON! I am 53 years old; that means I have 53 more years to live and can you IMAGINE?? FIFTY-THREE years without bacon? Bourbon? Bouquet garni? (Okay, I had to look that one up because basil and bay leaf were all that came to mind and I didn't want to listen to the herb/spice speech.)

But come on...really. I'd eat CARDBOARD if you put bacon on it. And then last night it all came into focus when...keeping in mind it's SUMMERTIME in Alabama...we had BLT's on real sourdough for supper.

And I nearly died. I nearly died until about three o'clock this morning, when the pain finally eased enough that I fell asleep. Turns out? Tomatoes rank right up there with bacon. Heaven will be paved with summertime BLT'S; I know, I read that chapter in the bible. So obviously...this is meant to be.

Take it out. It's day surgery. It's interfering with my activities.

Hell, I divorced a HUSBAND once for lesser infractions.


City Girl said…
Not to mention that eating beets multiple times a day leads to Magenta Poop Syndrome. Remember that little episode?

Why would anyone work that hard to keep a gallbladder? Seriously. You'd have to be deathly afraid of going under the laser (it isn't even a knife anymore) to live like that.

The thing that - I am sorry to admit to you - cracks me up about your situation is that you FOUGHT KILLER STAPH and won. And now a tomato brings you to your knees.

That shit ain't right.
Country Girl said…
Yeah, but I could drink with that IV running. ;)
Indigo said…
I will not eat a beet if you paid me, but I can eat bacon sparingly. Which isn't the same as giving it up I realize.
Expat From Hell said…
I have had a couple of close friends go through the gall bladder process. Believe me, it's worth getting rid of that little pound of flesh. Once they were done with it, the enchiladas and cervezas came right back onto the menu. Get well soon!

Much love,

Mrs. Gamgee said…
Preach it sister! While I can totally live without bacon (never liked it)... life without tomatoes or margaritas just wouldn't be worth living!
Mejis said…
I had my gallbladder removed when I was 19 so I feel your pain. Even after they told me I couldn't eat certain things. I tried it for a while and it sucked so I said fook it and ate whatever I wanted.
Melissa said…
Ugh. Certain things I can live without, but spices? No.Way.In.Hell.

Get that thing outta there!
Comet Girl said…
There is no pain like a gall bladder attack. I had ONE while pregnant in the hospital with pre-eclamcia. Apparently gall bladder attack is another symptom of pre-eclamcia, never mind the massive swelling. If I ever have another one (knock on wood) that sucker is coming out post haste. Take care of yourself, good luck and God bless. P.S. My attack followed a meal from the Hollywood Inn and Bacon RULES!!!
Sunny said…
Gall bladder attacks and broken ankles all over the place.
This must be the SUMMER FROM HELL!

Good luck to you.
(How about Turkey Bacon?)

Nina said…
My husband lost his gallbladder about 6 years ago. He woke up at 3am in the classic gallbladder pain symptoms, and it took him 6 hours to decide that I was a nurse and knew what this was, and that he needed to visit the ER. About 1hour after that, he felt better, and was scheduling an appointment with a general surgeon. He is now the proud owner of 4 tiny little punch-hole scars on his abdomen, and one less gallbladder. He drinks beer, eats bacon, occasionally indulges in a glass of wine, or (his favorite) vodka and cranberry, and loves him some wasabi and mexican food! But. Wouldn't you know it? That damn thing was still giving him trouble last year, according to a really stupid ER doc. He tried to say that an esophageal stricture was a gallbladder attack. I couldn't help but ask: So, doc, how's that chart reading thing working out for you? What's your second choice after the gallbladder, out of curiosity? He had that out about 5 years ago! Good luck, sweet pea. I work in surgery. If you want, you can come visit me. I'll take good care of you, and get you the best surgeons! Hope you feel better soon!
fatboyfat said…
Whoa. No bacon, no booze? I'd have that sucker out of me with a steak knife.

In the meantime, I'm selling my shares in Jack Daniels.
Le laquet said…
I think I have the same problem - and I'm scared to go to the doctor 'cause they're going to say "no bacon!" and I'll cry like a baby!