Yes, YOU!

This is not politically incorrect, sexist or mean. It's just the way it is.

There are some stupid-ass women with cellphones, driving around amongst us.

My children, who are FEMALE by the way and have never lived without Title IX or voting rights, have a new mantra..."Wo-man on a cellphone, wom-an on a cellphone." This usually comes up when there's some SUV in the left lane doing alternatively 40 and 70 mph. And 90% of the time? They're right.

Pulling out of a parking lot yesterday. Major thoroughfare in our fair city...traffic light. Four ways to go...four ways to stop. Leaving the parking lot is a truck, in the left hand turn-lane, waiting to turn left. I pulled in behind him. Across from us are two cars, waiting to pull out from a residential street. We're all happily sitting at our red lights, watching the traffic on the right of way zip up and down, through the green light. And then, to my left...GOING OUT THE ENTRANCE FOR INCOMING TRAFFIC...pulls this goofy female. Talking on her cellphone. Pulls up, chatting away, waiting on the red light to change. In the wrong lane. With a CONCRETE ISLAND between her (in the wrong lane) and us (in the right lane.)

The guy in the truck looks over. Looks again. Glances in his rearview mirror at me, then back at Chatty Cathy. I realize...he's not letting her out. I edge up...let's get that bitch.

She was oblivious.

The light changes Out pulls the truck. She is still chatting away, pulls into the intersection and...IT'S MY TURN!! I'm tailing the truck...hell NO I will not stop in the middle of a four-way intersection to let you figure out where the hell you're going. Anyone gets hit? It will be YOU, Cell Phone Diva.

The oncoming cars? No slack there, either. We're all obeying our signs and our lanes and our manners and...she never put down the phone. Never even hesitated. Truck Guy and I made our left turns and the next light caught us. He and I are in the left lane. Stopped. I look up and here comes CPD, still talking.

Puh-leeze. You nearly got your dumb ass attention!! She slowed down, so as not to get too close to me and that...did it. I am the child of school teachers and I have the tone and gestures down. Put my car in park, opened the door and walked to my back bumper. (For longtime followers? I'm trying to overcome the jerk-him-out-of-the-car thing. Potentially dangerous.)

Snapped my fingers, pointed straight down and bellowed, "Hang it UP! Hang it up right NOW. Hang that damn thing UP and pay ATTENTION!"

She never moved. The phone was stuck to her ear, her eyes were glued on my parboiled face, her hand was on the steering wheel and...she never blinked or took a breath. I got back in my car and...Truck Guy started blowing his horn and high fiving me. The two cars in the other lane were thumbs-upping.

She never moved that phone.

When she passed me, I held up my credit card holder like a camera (my phone was in my camera bag) and acted like I was photographing her license plate.

She turned left. We went straight.

Although my reaction was a little unusual for a Wednesday, that bizarre cellphone/oblivious woman thing isn't. And yes, men do it but they don't do it as often as women.


Which is, after all, all that really matters in The Institution ;)


Expat From Hell said…
This was riveting. I am still trying to settle down, and have to focus again on your caption photo to see which bottle I prefer. Don't worry, though, CPD's are rampant in my city, too. I just hope it's another form of population control. Hopefully, there are more of us than there are of them - let Darwin take it from here. EFH
Country Girl said…
Oh, honey. I didn't make this up, did I? I used to pull into the left lane, to let a car pulling into the right lane, enter traffic. Learned. It's a woman? She's going to wait until there's nothing coming between here and Florida.
City Girl said…
I love it: "my parboiled face."

I'm going to use that in a damn poem.
Governor Jen said…
I've met said woman countless time. But for the record, this morning it was a male douchebag who cut me off, switching lanes without bothering to turn his head because it was otherwise occupied on a cell phone.
Country Girl said…
Now I have to spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what rhymes with "parboiled face."
fatboyfat said…
She'd get an instant fine of £60 ($90-ish?) and three points on her licence over here (12 points in two years and you lose it).

When we were last over there we were amazed at the people driving and phoning at the same time on the New Jersey Turnpike. Scary!
Nick said…
Yep, you're right. Cell phone in one hand, coffee in the other, some how these folks (I live in AL too) manage to get to work/home/school without causing too many fatalities.
But eventually .....