Well, I never really thought about it...

but...who's gonna write my obituary?

We've had a couple of deaths close to home in the last month and I'm just hear to say...y'all better not let ANYBODY to whom I did not give birth and whose last name is Big Boy, have anything to do with my funeral or the arrangements. That bunch is all ABOUT being humble and mournful, and dumping people into the ground with as little commemoration as possible.

I want a celebration of my life. I want something to remind you, why you spoke to me twice. I want you to remember some time we laughed together until we hurt.

And I have a plan. Take all the usable parts and give them to someone who needs them. Cremate the rest. The people who own a farm next to ours have their own little family cemetery. I'm going to build a marble obelisk there, over a 50-ft hole. Take my ashes, lift the cap off the obelisk and pour them into the hole. Put the cap back on. Put a bronze plaque engraved with my vitals on the obelisk and move on. We can bury a whole lot of Country Family Members that way, without taking up an excessive amount of space. Although...thinking about it, ten feet will probably do it. Seeing as how the ashes will like, soak in and all ;)

(A funny here...we were talking about this one day and I made the comment, "Wonder if you have to marry one of the Cooper-Johnsons to be buried there?" And The Big Boy, in all seriousness, said, "Ahhhh, a blowjob will probably do it." There seems to be a pattern here.)

But we've talked about this and I am serious...get someone who knows me and loves me and is funny and...put him behind the podium. Don't sit there and cry...laugh your ASS off because I made your life a little better! And then retire everyone to the branch, light a fire, drink some bourbon, play some "Saturday Night at the Oldies" from Q107 and call in and request "Ninety-Nine Tears" and Al Green's "Belle," and...celebrate. Celebrate the fact that I was lucky and that I was fun and that I enjoyed the HELL out of the people who came through my life. ;)

Excepting some tailgaters and that stalker dude but hey...shit happens. And I spoke up ahead of time.


Country Girl said…
In hindsight, I should probably write this down. Because...there are a LOT of funerals I go to and think, "I don't think we knew the same person." And I would like to be credited for all my sins ;)
Tom said…
I chose another way. I wrote my own obit. It started out as a project for my Developmental Psych class but I've gotten to love that obit and if no one else says the stuff I want said at my funeral, I will. It's funny as HELL y'all.
City Girl said…
My very ill father-in-law is going to need an obit sooner rather than later. I've offered twice to write it, but nobody is taking me seriously. Dudes, like Tom, I had to write obits in college for my journalism class. The first thing they teach you in journalism is write obits because if you ever get a job at a real newspaper, that'll be the very first crappy task they give to you.

Anyway, if I wrote his eulogy? I'd formally apologize to the guy whose canoe my FIL stole 30 years ago (my MIL made him take it back). Also, in the obit, I'd direct mourners to make donations to a chihuahua rescue in lieu of flowers, because he loves those damn dogs more than people (this is why I like the man). Tell it like it is! ...but my BIL, a new preacher, probably would disown me... :: sigh ::