Today the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) announced the agency has
identified the cause of widespread fatalities affecting members of fraternal societies across the United States.
Until now the sudden deaths of middle-aged caucasian males appeared to result from suffocation and anaphylaxis although no cause was identified and no connection, aside from occasional social interaction, was obvious. Many of the victims were recent retirees.
"In recent days the CDC has met with the Secretary of Health and Human Services, the director of the National Institutes of Health (NIH), the director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), the U.S. Marshall Service, key member of Congress, and the CEO of Hobby Lobby," said Bob Weinert, Communications Director of the CDC. "At that time we shared with those agencies and organizations conclusive information regarding this crisis.
I stand before the American public today to name the killer which has claimed the lives of thousands of men in their golden years. That killer is wool."
The CDC announcement comes hours after the activation of a massive national sting operation focused on yarn suppliers, craft stores, craft fairs, online fiber retailers, and spinning wheel manufacturers.
"For months we were stymied by the mysterious deaths of seemingly healthy older, white men - obesity, congenital conditions, and Viagra overdoses notwithstanding," said John Rhumpus, CDC Deputy Director." These deaths were clustered around groups of Masons, Knights of Columbus, Kiwanis, Lions, Moose, and Elks.
Immediately we pulled scientists from other projects including juvenile diabetes prevention, sickle cell research, and ovarian cancer treatment to focus on this crisis."
After months of around-the-clock work, and an emergency Federal grant of $40 billion, researchers last Monday reached a consensus: Knitters are to blame.
According to FBI Chief, Dale Spatz, "These women - and they are overwhelmingly female - met in groups in broad daylight and carried 'stash bags' full of skeins and needles. They didn't care who saw them.
They shared instructions, by word of mouth and on online forums, as to how to create super-dense wool...'stoppers' I call them...to shove into the mouths of peacefully sleeping men." Spatz continues, "The husbands choked to death in their sleep and sometimes reacted fatally to the lanolin. These cold-blooded women then fished the stoppers out of their spouses throats, return them to their project bags - where they could not possibly be found - and went back to sleep. In the morning they put on an act for the 911 operators. No one we've identified as a perpetrator has yet to express remorse. It is shocking."
Neighbors of the accused are in disbelief. "She was a quiet lady who always looked real nice," said George Dykall of a knitter in custody.
"Raised her family and went to church, as a good woman should," proclaimed Lee Hoggshead of another suspected needlewoman.
"She was a silent, white-hot flame," whispered Anita Dykall.
Since the execution of Operation Nitter [sic] Gitter [sigh sic] local authorities across the country have closed retail fiber outlets, raided knitting groups, and rounded up suspected crafters.
Men's Rights Movement organizers, with the support of 51 U.S. Senators, are calling for the immediate voluntary surrender of knitting needles and crochet hooks at police stations. An Order of Odd Fellows GoFundMe effort raised $90.3 million overnight to endow a hook and needle buyback program.
The speed and magnitude of this crackdown is unequalled in American history.
Note: This is not intended to make light of school shootings but is completely intended to point out the lunacy of an entire nation of people who have failed for nearly twenty years (the Columbine High School shooting occurred on April 20, 1999) to take control of a situation. The fact that we, as a whole, have accepted as normal that children are at greater risk of being shot than they are of leaving their lunches on buses is incomprehensible.
Image Credit: Adrian Bizilia. Pattern for felted skull knitting tote available at ravelry.com
identified the cause of widespread fatalities affecting members of fraternal societies across the United States.
Until now the sudden deaths of middle-aged caucasian males appeared to result from suffocation and anaphylaxis although no cause was identified and no connection, aside from occasional social interaction, was obvious. Many of the victims were recent retirees.
"In recent days the CDC has met with the Secretary of Health and Human Services, the director of the National Institutes of Health (NIH), the director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), the U.S. Marshall Service, key member of Congress, and the CEO of Hobby Lobby," said Bob Weinert, Communications Director of the CDC. "At that time we shared with those agencies and organizations conclusive information regarding this crisis.
I stand before the American public today to name the killer which has claimed the lives of thousands of men in their golden years. That killer is wool."
The CDC announcement comes hours after the activation of a massive national sting operation focused on yarn suppliers, craft stores, craft fairs, online fiber retailers, and spinning wheel manufacturers.
"For months we were stymied by the mysterious deaths of seemingly healthy older, white men - obesity, congenital conditions, and Viagra overdoses notwithstanding," said John Rhumpus, CDC Deputy Director." These deaths were clustered around groups of Masons, Knights of Columbus, Kiwanis, Lions, Moose, and Elks.
Immediately we pulled scientists from other projects including juvenile diabetes prevention, sickle cell research, and ovarian cancer treatment to focus on this crisis."
After months of around-the-clock work, and an emergency Federal grant of $40 billion, researchers last Monday reached a consensus: Knitters are to blame.According to FBI Chief, Dale Spatz, "These women - and they are overwhelmingly female - met in groups in broad daylight and carried 'stash bags' full of skeins and needles. They didn't care who saw them.
They shared instructions, by word of mouth and on online forums, as to how to create super-dense wool...'stoppers' I call them...to shove into the mouths of peacefully sleeping men." Spatz continues, "The husbands choked to death in their sleep and sometimes reacted fatally to the lanolin. These cold-blooded women then fished the stoppers out of their spouses throats, return them to their project bags - where they could not possibly be found - and went back to sleep. In the morning they put on an act for the 911 operators. No one we've identified as a perpetrator has yet to express remorse. It is shocking."
Neighbors of the accused are in disbelief. "She was a quiet lady who always looked real nice," said George Dykall of a knitter in custody.
"Raised her family and went to church, as a good woman should," proclaimed Lee Hoggshead of another suspected needlewoman.
"She was a silent, white-hot flame," whispered Anita Dykall.
Since the execution of Operation Nitter [sic] Gitter [sigh sic] local authorities across the country have closed retail fiber outlets, raided knitting groups, and rounded up suspected crafters.
Men's Rights Movement organizers, with the support of 51 U.S. Senators, are calling for the immediate voluntary surrender of knitting needles and crochet hooks at police stations. An Order of Odd Fellows GoFundMe effort raised $90.3 million overnight to endow a hook and needle buyback program.
The speed and magnitude of this crackdown is unequalled in American history.
Note: This is not intended to make light of school shootings but is completely intended to point out the lunacy of an entire nation of people who have failed for nearly twenty years (the Columbine High School shooting occurred on April 20, 1999) to take control of a situation. The fact that we, as a whole, have accepted as normal that children are at greater risk of being shot than they are of leaving their lunches on buses is incomprehensible.
Image Credit: Adrian Bizilia. Pattern for felted skull knitting tote available at ravelry.com
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