14 February 2012

Yankee Come Home

I don't know how you do it.

You. You people who live Up North.
You know, north of the thirty-sixth parallel.

I woke up in Cleveland today (yes, on purpose) and encountered ankle-deep slush and four inches of snow on my vehicle.Which had to be swept off using a snow brush, provided by the rental car company, seemingly made from an old yard stick and a few dozen decapitated Q-Tips.

Totally ineffective? You bet!
Being the only recovering Northerner in a group of people from Florida, Alabama and New Mexico I was either brave enough or stupid enough to think outside the frozen, useless box: I wound up using the forearm method of snow removal - I shoved it off.

Ah, memories. I love the feel of snow up my sleeves in the morning.

I'm cold. I packed every cashmere item of clothing I own and am wearing them in layers like Joey on Friends. In three days I haven't removed my used-to-be-cute-but-is-now-ironic bright, cheerful blue coat.
I'm sleeping under a pile of pillows in a makeshift extra-thick duvet.
A three dog night? Hell it's a three hypoallergenic pillows night!

I guess I would adapt again if I had to live here. But I'll tell you, there's nothing like a trip to Cleveland - and next week Detroit! Woot! - in Febru-fucking-ary to make you appreciate the South.


I don't understand how all the girls here dress in cute clothes and don't appear to be suffering from hypothermia.

Lady Yankees, I take my hat off to you. Well, I would take off my hat but I've been too cold to get naked so I haven't showered since Sunday and have epic hat head.

22 January 2012

This is a disclaimer...

I was going to post the Webster definition of "disclaimer," but truth be told I don't give a shit what Webster says it means. I'm going to tell you what I think it means, and in the context of this blog that's all that matters.

From here on out, I am writing under the assumption there's no one here but City Girl, me and some weirdos well-trained cohorts. If you're not one of those? Proceed at your own risk.

And that's all I have to say about that.

10 January 2012

I folded...

...deliberately and with (almost no) remorse. Now to Plan B.

Day Four...

...of this cleanse I'm not doing. And I'm not feeling the love.

The alarm goes off at 6:30; we get up about ten minutes later. I make coffee for The Big Boy, yell about teeth and hair and lunches and backpacks and tennis bags and the time. I take the paper, the Notebook and my phone and come sit in the bed and read and do the Sudoku and check Facebook and Pinterest and emails and then...I've been sleeping 'til 11:30 or 12 every day.

My skin does look better and I lost five pounds in two days which I know can't be good. I feel like shit. I'm not sleeping too well, although last night was better. I just don't see the POINT...school meeting at five this afternoon and no, we can't go eat afterwards. Not quite sick of this drink yet, but I can see that coming.

Part of me says, WTH? The other part says, go to bed tonight on track and then you only have six days. One-and-a-half times what you've already done. All the articles SAY it's supposed to be like this...that there will be an awesome awakening here in a few days. It would probably be best if tomorrow, I went for a walk when The Inmates leave, as opposed to piling up with the print and electronics.

Now I know why they do this in groups. My self-motivation has never been my strong point.

We'll see.

09 January 2012

I'll tell you right now...

...this bites the big one. Bigtime.

I did it today. So far. Tonight is The Game of all time if you live in this vicinity. The Rematch of the Century. The Grudge Match of the Decade.

I cooked. Every standard football snack of ever. Cocktail wienies. Wings. Meatballs. Chips and salsa. Olives and pickles and more olives. Dip and more dip. I made all this and I haven't lapsed YET but I'm telling you...this sucks.

08 January 2012

So, where are the DT's?

A while back City Girl and I did that thing we do...she called one day and said, "Hey, you ever think about doing a cleanse?" two days after I had ordered Clean, by Alejandro Junger. We're good that way.

But talk about it was all we really did...unless her traveling ass has kicked into gear and she's all clean and healthy and she just forgot to tell me. We talked about different types and times and reasons and so on. I originally thought I could pull off the 10-day Master Cleanse, right before Christmas. I even bought the stuff. I was wrong. Too many obligations involving too much food and too few chances to bow out should the need arise. I just kept eating.

CG thought she would try a weekend. Just a weekend, to sort of purge during the holiday festivities. Then we talked about doing an extended cleanse at the new year.

We didn't.

The simplest cleanse I read about, and also one of the oldest, was the Master Cleanse. I had the stuff. I did NOT have the motivation or the will...my intentions are always better than my accomplishments. So yesterday, Saturday, when I was sitting here with the paper, Sudoku and the computer, and I realized it was Saturday which around here means all-day party...I realized it was time for a cold beer. And for some reason known ONLY to the Lord because I am CLUELESS...I thought, "Well, why not just mix up a cup of that stuff and sip on it. In and among the various alcoholic beverages that Saturday calls for."

And I did. And because it was a rare Saturday, with nothing to do and no where to go, I did it all day. All. Frigging. Day. Just the mix...nothing else. Made soup for the rest of the inmates and...sipped. ALL DAY!!!!

Number one best trick...I LIKE the stuff! That's always been my problem with drinking...it's a habit. I walk around all day with a glass/bottle/can/whatever in my hand. I don't like sweet. Water gets old.

Beer is good.

So the only thing I LIKE to drink...beer, wine or bourbon...isn't that good for me and has a lot of calories when consumed in quantities and I do EVERYTHING in quantities so...wasn't working out too well. This stuff is lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne. Pepper. I KNOW!!!! Three of Gourmet magazine's top ten favorite ingredients in one place! (Not really...I made that up. Editorial license.)

Anyway. I bought the syrup and cayenne at the health food store and I don't know what maple syrup is supposed to taste like so I don't know about it, but the cayenne is AWESOME. The recipe calls for "1/10 teaspoon, or as much as you can stand," and I've been using 1/4 teaspoon and it's this lovely tart-sweet-smoky beverage and...I did it another day. Today. If I go to bed without thumbing through a couple of cookbooks or perusing food ideas on Pinterest and losing my motivation, I will have done it for two days. WITHOUT EVEN MEANING TO!!

I still don't mean to. Part of me keeps thinking, no way. But then the other part, the part that's watching the years slide away and realizing, well, that the years are sliding away, checked the datebook. And not only do I not have to be ANYWHERE this week, I don't have to be anywhere next weekend. Two weekends in a row, at home...hasn't happened in forever. I COULD, if I wanted to, do the entire ten days.

Of course, I don't. But I could.

My tongue is white, which is supposed to mean your body is shedding toxins. I feel okay, even though today and tomorrow are supposed to be the worst days. (If I were doing it. Which, of course, I'm not.) Weight loss on this is negligible (even though it runs about 10 pounds) because it's water weight, which comes back. And I'm not a low-calorie or low-fat person, my body likes low carbs with protein, so this doesn't sound like something I should be doing. But then again, it's only ten days. What if it really DOES flush out all the things that have been causing all my auto-immune disorders? What if I don't walk around with a red burning peeling face, or what if my joints don't ache all the time?

It's only ten days.

AHHHHHH!!! Maybe instead of one day at a time, I'll do sections of the day. Just til noon. Just til school's out. Just til dark.

Man, this grown-up shit sucks.