It. Is. Not. Me.

Everyone thinks I'm such a grouch because I'm so hard on The Big Boy.

Y'all have NO IDEA.

A couple of days ago a friend wrote about the South and "false modesty," and that's when I realized...I married the family that formalized the term. The "Protestant work ethic" mutated.

Last week, I took down the bedroom drapes to wash them. This is a north-facing window, so the drapes are primarily for insulation from the wind. No sun. Drapes are still in the upstairs foyer floor. I WILL wash them, I just haven't done it yet. You're bothered? DO IT YOURSELF. Dumbass.

Came home tonight from an out-of-town weekend and NO LIE...he put aluminum foil over the bedroom windows. YOU DID WHAT????? I realized, he thinks he's making a statement but I have news for you...you just said the wrong thing ;(

Last week, I sent him an email requesting a handyman from the plant to install a new stove and over-the-stove microwave I was buying. No biggie.

He told me to wait on the purchase. He puts dozens of these in houses every week, and he was going to check on prices and sizes and what he could get and when he could get it and what we needed and what was...ad nauseum. I've heard this song. I once went two weeks without a refrigerator because he was "going to handle it."

He didn't.

So I bought the stove and microwave and gave it to him for our anniversary yesterday.

He is SO touchy ';)

It. Is. Not. Me.

You want WHAT?

A couple of weeks ago I needed a picture. A head shot of myself, to be specific. No problem...I am the camera queen. Last fall when I took my computer in to have it cleaned up? 165,000 PLUS pictures on it. Pictures are my thang ;) The computer guy told The Big Boy I needed to cull "my thang." Been meaning to do that.


Go to find my picture and...there isn't one. At the time there were 1400 PLUS pictures on my camera but....I wasn't in any of them. Well, DUH. I'm the one TAKING them. The pictures that DID include me were taken by ten-year-olds and not a single one included a complete body part, and while sometimes that can be a GOOD thing (thinking saggy chin and ample midsection here) in this case, it didn't work. No picture.


I was sick. As, I explained to the person needing the picture, as a dog. But I got up, put on some makeup, my pearls and a black shirt and went out to take some pictures. End result? Looked like a sick dog with makeup on. I came back in, took off the makeup and went back and tried again. Sent the results with an apology...best I can do. Photoshop me or something. I'm going back to bed.


Luckily, I have really talented friends and he dug through the history and found a very appropriate photo. Not necessarily flattering, but the picture my friends and family love. I'm enjoying the fact that the good people in my life don't CARE that I don't patronize Merle Norman, and forgive me my red face days...which far outnumber my "porcelain skin" days at this point in life. Once upon a time, a very large department store paid me for close-ups of my skin...nowadays? The flaws all have a story. The laugh lines are deeper than the frown lines and bottom line...that'll work.


The up side? When your butt slides down, you don't have a line under your butt cheeks. Straight stretch of flesh. Take it where you can get it ;)

Topics we're avoiding today...

...begin with how long I sat at the drive thru at the bank this morning, waiting on it to open.

Continues into me finally tearing around to the front of the building, breathing steam and ready to KILL some dumbass who didn't have sense enough to open a business on time and turns out? The dumbass? That would be me.

I hate it when that happens ;(

Watching...

...a Truman Capote biography on Ovation. Wishing I had busted out, some time...some where.

We had dinner with adult friends Friday night...probably the first time in...two years? At least. Things that came out of that dinner?

I have to clean up my mouth. For real ;) My volume level and my potty mouth level are in direct proportion to my alcohol intake...I know this. But while WE were laughing and having a good time and talking about how pretty the waitress was because...that's what middle-aged people DO...I offended an elderly woman at the table next to us. I have decided I'm mortified...bless her heart...she thought she was coming out to have a nice dinner and she ended up next to a table full of old high school buddies laughing over dumb things. I apologize. Originally, I intended for Saturday to be the day I stopped using dirty words. Turns out, this is like withdrawing from cocaine or alcohol or Seinfeld...can't do it cold turkey. So I'm admitting each time I do it...ooops, shouldn't have said that!! We'll see.

The other thing that came out of that dinner is how far out in left field my life is. Fifty-four years old...children are 30, 15 and ten. Wrooooong. Our friends kept coming up with "things" we should do and we kept...pointing out...can't be there. Gym. Tennis court. Soccer field. Church. Bieber movie. NO! We can't go to Nashville for the weekend. Can't go...well, do anything.

Also realized, wouldn't trade it for anything and I have NO idea what will happen when these kids are out of here. We don't even like each other ;)

Ain't life grand? No matter how things work out...not a dress rehearsal!! And in case you're having problems with life or your internet? Go read this...http://http://makelardhistory.blogspot.com/ Easy fix for what ails you....or pleasant ending to a bad story ;)

Why it's okay that I'm disconnected...

Standing in the checkout line this morning. Cover of People magazine...

"Jen's Most Revealing Interview Ever!!!!" "She talks about Dating! Babies! Exes!"

WTH? I care about this BECAUSE........?

Then:

"Liam's Life Now...."

Liam Who?

(Okay, I love Liam Neeson. But he very wisely gathered up his money and took it to the house several years ago so this is...a comeback?)

THEN:

"Why Mom Shot Teens..."

Well, duh.

Today...

...would be an excellent day to go cut back all the roses and shrubs and things that are about to come bustin' ALL out. It's 61 degrees and there's a lovely breeze and...here I sit ;)

It would be an excellent day to finish converting these white side lights into black side lights and get them mounted. Thinking about it.

I piled ALL the dirty clothes from ALL over the house in the big den yesterday and sorted them. Down to three piles ;) That I AM working on.

Obviously, a change of scenery is called for. I'm thinking somewhere close, with a lake view, a fireplace and a cooler of cold beer. The potential for activity is amazing and...here I sit. Motivation, I need some motivation ;)

The hell with some motivation, I need to win the lottery. SO much better than a swift kick in the ass....

Happy Commercial Ripoff of a Saint Day!

Paging Dr. Freud

According to the Tumblr post from which this was appropriated, the last two people who viewed the above jumble of letters found these words first: kiss, naked and peep / lust, secrets, crush.

I found suicide-scum, malice-kick and fury.....

I'd say that's about right.

I'm considering printing this, having it laminated and sending it on dates with my 21-year-old niece.

There's no reason to spend time Google-stalking a guy before you go out with him!
Using this handy-dandy, low-tech tool she can figure out within a matter of second whether she should feign a migraine 30-minutes in, or skip dinner altogether and go home with him.

I wonder how accurate the results would be if she tried it on a physiology major?

Oooohhh...a "Happy" for you...

Old friends move on and morph into new friends and life is good. Don't miss this, http://http://saltycrunchybitterfresh.blogspot.com/ , a lovely compilation of life, recipes, weather and food.

I bet we ate ours...

Watching something the other day where this kid found, in his bag of candy hearts, a heart that read, "Nice tits." In amidst the Be Mine's, the Sweetheart's, and the True Love's.

I saw this on national television. It appears that when the kid found the candy? He showed it to his parents. Who CALLED THE COMPANY. Called the company. And the company apologized and there was all this hoopla and...called the company.

You know what would happen if we found that at The Institution?

Nothing. IF the child even thought anything about it, she'd have shown it to us and I'd have laughed out loud and taken a picture. The Big Boy would have eaten it, as he considers his right ;) We'd have gone through the bag, hoping for a Fat Ass, Wet Kiss, Quickie, or....okay, wittiest people on the planet. What's the BEST, most obtuse, funniest thing you could put on a candy heart at Valentine's Day?

I'll go ask Don. Y'all tell me....

Electronic Miscellany

I just downloaded a Confession app.

I would not joke about such a thing. It's called "Confession: A Roman Catholic App."

The app, dubbed "Digital Help for Confessing Catholics" isn't *supposed* to take the place of live-and-in-person Confession, but....we'll see.

I can't wait to learn what sort of punishment forgiveness it doles out.

Along those same lines...I've unFriended a dead person.

She died months ago and it just creeped me out when her business venture sent out sales promotions using her old account...and her lovely face popped up telling me that I had a message from her.

Really? "Jane" sent a message to me? From the great beyond? About a half-off sale?
:: shudder ::

I struggled for a long time...just how awful is it to unFriend the departed if they - or someone - continue to communicate with you?

At least now I have material for my first eConfession...maybe my penance will be to type out five Decades in binary code?

The Cure for Homesickness

Remember a few weeks ago when CG1 and I went on and on about getting 9.5 inches of snow here in Alabama? The snow that melted a few days later?

My sister just sent me this pic of her back yard in Chicago.

That bump? It's a 5' deep snowdrift. They're stuck with that shit until April.

Who's homesick? Not me!!

My mother is only 4'11"...she may be buried under there somewhere....